Me and Myself

4 Nov

Meet Sponge – Meet The Juggler,

Life is made up of chance encounters. Words spoken and overheard. Suggestions and ideas bought to life in unexpected ways, this is one of those that has shaped my life.

Recently someone mentioned to me that they thought I had two personalities. This shocked me at first, initially that someone could read me so easily and secondly because I knew it was true. It always has been. I haven’t thought about this in a long time but this simple little moment jolted me back and has had my mind spinning for days now.

I remember the first time that I could shape my personality. My obsession with the word ‘Sponge’ had gotten a little out of hand. As it was due too. I was a teenager and my emotions were wildly out of place and out of sync. My friend Gold told me that she never understood the ‘Sponge thing’ but that she thought it was kind of like my alter ego. I realised she was right. I had an avatar, a name, a signature, everything except the words to shape it and give life to my own personality. The name was the important thing. Things started to click into place. I did, and still do sign my name as Sponge, funnily enough no-one has ever noticed or mentioned this strange habit.

I understand now, the power in giving something a name. It makes it real, makes it solid and allows the thing life and growth.

Over the years as I’ve figured out who I am, who I want to be and come to terms with my good and bad points my character has shaped itself into 2 distinct people. Sponge – the ‘dark’ side, and now – given a name – The Juggler. A handle I have used when writing and the self that traveled through India and used juggling as a way to interact on a new level.

It’s strange to think about your own self as 2 distinct people. You sometimes loose a lot of inhibitions – you can say it wasn’t ‘You’, you justify things to yourself with the knowledge that – whatever your doing, however your acting isn’t who you really are, its the shell of a person that you have consciously created to contain all those things that you can not control but despise in your own actions.
Those times when you are vengeful and petty – that’s Sponge. When your arrogant and controlling, bossy, rude, racist. It’s not who I am, I know I have many good qualities but to keep them on the surface you need to embrace the bad. For me this happens in allowing those bad qualities to have a name and to accept that they are part of who you are, even if that part is almost a completely different person….

I’ll keep blogging

6 Mar

Funny how that never works. I always thought I would have time to keep blogging. Thoughts to express.

I recently left Christchurch. My travels these past few years have led me back and forth between Australia and New Zealand, once again here I am sitting in the Blue Mountains with more questions than answers.

As I’m sure you are all aware there was recently a big earthquake in Christchurch, NZ. The quake caused damage and destruction to people, property and the lifes of everyone in a country – hardly noticed by the rest of the world.

After the ground started shaking I remember jumping to my feet and running as fast as possible from the building, where I come from no-one tells us to hide under tables or in door frames. I wasn’t about to sit in the attic and wait for it to collapse on me.

Fighting against the movements of the building,avoiding falling objects – TV’s, books and paraphenalia I somehow managed to reach the fire door – only to find it locked. I grabbed a fallen french man and leapt across the room and out the door.

The carpark was full of people, dust choked the air and I stumbled over to a recognisable face. “What the Fuck!?”

Looking out across the street at a collapsed building was my first indication that things were more serious than I first believed. The cars around me we all at funny angles, everyone was babbling about how everything had moved and floods of people were suddenly everywhere. Moving through the streets. Alarms and sirens were to be heard everywhere and slowly I walked against the flow. Half in shock half in awe. My mind trying to take in everything at once. Neighbours soon had the radio on and I blindly walked through the city.

Men were cycling past me with huge cuts to their forehead, buisness suits of all shapes and sizes seemed to be all that was holding some people together, on the edge of desperation I could see tears and desperate phone calls everywhere I went. Everywhere I looked there was destruction, I walked past Stonehurst backpackersjust as someone ran past, what looked like authority. Into a completely collapsed and destroyed backpackers. I wondered to myself what I would do if my home had just collapsed with everything I knew inside. I own very little and my sense of property is warped, yet I see why someone would make such a desperate move.

Water was seeping up through cracks in the ground and as I round a new corner I see the side of a building has come down and someone is trying to resucitate a lady lying on the ground in the rubble.

100′s of people had gathered around the cathedral in the central square and seemed to be milling around. I think some unsure of what to do, other, like me in morbid fascination mixed with what emotions were holding together a shocked and scared mind. I know how it took 2 days for the shock to set in and thats when I cried. Right now a lady was being helped out of the cathedral by what I assume was rescue workers. Calling for a bottle of water the crowd offered what it could. There we were dispersed and told to leave the city if we could. Emergency aid was waiting in parks around the city and if all else. Stay, listen to the radio and await further information.

We turned and left walking past broken buildings and support polls that had come down and literally flattened several small cars.

Aftershocks persisted through the night and with a dry throat I lay half asleep listening to the boom of the earth and feverishly praying that nothing else would collapse.

This is not the end of the story, but for the time. Now only weeks later have I escaped the news coverage, the people, the affects and am able to wind my mind back in and calm down in serenity

Be

25 Jun

A short history of Earth and the creation of Life In the land before men ruled the earth and the birds ruled the sky a light could always be seen on the horizon of the northern sky. The light wsa a beauty so great and wonderous that when men finally came to be the beauty lived on and would reach the far corners of hte earth, to live in stories, legends and myths. The power was so great it compelled even the most noble of men to take up a journey that would last many years on foot and the feet of great and noble beasts to travel and look upon the beauty that was so simple and clear that the blind could see if only for the time they looked upon it. The first men that travelled to look upon thebeauty found a simple white daisy waving gently in the wind, its petals slightly pink as if it was dawn. Upon the ground the daisy lay and so great was its power that all the land for miles to see was rich and fertille. The men settled in the lands below the hill and soon the daisybecame known as the beauty of Camoore for that was the name of the men that had first settled in this part ofthe untouched earth. For many centuries men would come to look upon the daisy and find it guarded by many of the Camooreish people for it had given them life beyond that of many other mortal men. Then one day the land cracked and the seas rose, the earth was shook and in one fatal instance all was lost for te daisy fell deep into a dark abiss to lost forever. Soon the lands dried and the soil became brittle. The yield from the earth became so little that soon the Camoore began to die out and with a final push of life they left to settle on other parts of the earth and be lost into the history books. Many centuries later when the earth had been split and the continents moved, seas had widened and now ruled the greater part of what had been the old earth was washed away under the sea. A child wandered to a stream and began to fish for the stream was good at this time of year, but of chance there lay the daisy its beauty bright even in the glare of the summer light. The child picked the daisy from the bank of the river and looked up to see a woman in odd clothing looking down at him. The child turned to run but was stuck by a sudden power and curiosity. The lady was very young and very beautiful and she bent low gracefully and picked the daisy from the ground for it had falen when the child had turned. The yuong lady handed the daisy to the child and wispered softly. “Take her merlin, take Excalibur and use the power, do not be afraid” and then she was gone, the daisy with her. But there in his hand lay a minature golden flower. Many years past untill the coming of Arthur and the magic of Excalibur was finally realised for untill then the Wizard Merlin had been but a cheap conjourer using the magic of the daisy for cheap party tricks. Then one day the daisy was lost and the only power Merlin had was that of Lust, the lust and love of the beautiful daisy kept him stronger and younger than any other. Then years later the daisy was presented to the new king and Arthur feeling the power of the daisy in his mind named her excalibur and there forth burst a light so bright that all the men even the great wizard Merlin had to shield thier eyes and there the daisy had turned once more into the sword Excalibur that is subject to many myths and legends oftimes gone by. The truth of the story goes as follows, the sword reaked such power that soon it was broken by a powerful hand, shattered into 7 pieces and then with the magic of Merlin was cast across the lands of time and lost forever. Merlin felt the pull of the sword as he shattered it and with the sword he was shattered to and then pulled back across time and space but linked inexorably to the sword. Merlin began to seek the sword with the intent to return her to her original form and once again weild the power. Merlin lived across many generations of men searching for the sword, so many generations infact that his name wore thin and new names had to be found, Merlin took on many names other many generations untill he found himself searching the 21st century and stumbling thru time with no real purpose or life except the sword. Merlin’s life had been changed so much that he was soon lost in space where he was sucked thru a black hole and thrown back millions of years where he exploded into millions of particals to break away and form planets and stars and meteors all wizzing thru space. The particals that held the most conscious thought soon found there way to the newly created earth where life had not yet began. Claiming this as his own the new God was to be ofund in the form of Adam ruling the lonely Earth and wandering from place to place. It happened that one day Adam found a single flower in the shape common to a lone daisy, with his touch the ground exploded and there lay the garden he named Eden and where the

Hide behind the smile

13 Mar

Sometimes in this job you have to wrap it all up and hide the emotions behind the smile. Some break….

I don’t even know if/when im coming home. How do I know im ready – I’m pretty certain I know whats waiting for me back in the UK and if I left once then whats to stop me, lets face it – if it wasnt enough before then it definitely won’t be enough if I go back after experiencing a different life.

So the road is long and winding, and that’s life. The direction you take is yours to make. When the path ends, well that’s yours aswell. Once you leave the road life’s a cul-de-sac, a roundabout. It doesn’t change.

What to do, what to do.

Well done Sydney

1 Jan

I went to see the fireworks display in sydney last night

This Life…

19 Aug
Wild

Wild

This life appeals to me. I haven’t written because I haven’t thought.

The monotony that was everyday life is no more and instead each day a new sight, a new view, a new idea, a new person….in short. Adventure.

I have started working in a kitchen in the mountains, washing dishes and instead of this being a menial and demeaning task I instead recognise it for it’s truth. Beneath the dirt and grime of uneaten food I see that life can offer more than work. If I work hard I won’t be stuck in a career like ICT in which I was before. I was happy, no doubt there but this is a different kind of happiness and it’s nice.

On Sunday I will get a train and visit some beach towns on the east coast, Coffs Harbour, Port Mcquarie. Then to return on Friday night, work saturday and sunday. Then once more head out Monday to Friday up to Cairns where I will Skydive, Bungee Jump and white water rafting on the Tully River, of course doing as much of this as possible naked.

So, this is travelling, this is meeting new people, this is a new lifestyle. This is cycling for 6 hours out onto a small outcropping of rock where I sit with a boo, looking out over a national reserve.

Stopping is not an option right now. Right now I know I have truely begun and soon the fruits of my labour will come into fruition and the lessons and experiences will be melded together and become part of my personality, my history, myself.

This is Life, this is new, this is me, this is happiness, this is no fear. I read about Chris Mcandless and realise that he just pushed it to the next level. Breaking free of all of life’s monotony and restraints, worries and complaints. To nature and to prove he was as good as he could be. I admire this ideal.

I like these mountains where I currently reside, I like to walk for 10,20,30,60 minute. Every second a new view, a new horizon. There’s no chlostraphobia that hits me each time I walk into a city. I can see the sky, I can hear the birds.

Each morning I wake in my tent and lay for a while listening to the birds and the possums, the creatures that live nearby. I roll out, I have breakfast, say hello to my fickle friends and then of out to a new track, walking, cycling. New sights and new sounds. A calmness….

The Pit, Down the Alley, Opposite McDonalds

7 Jul

“The Pit, Down the Alley, Opposite McDonalds” – That’s where I ended up Sunday night. Let’s backtrack.

After being here for a couple of day’s I began to feel really dispirited, I haven’t really spoken to any people in my Hostel and it’s miserable weather, I don’t know what to do and every cell in my body is telling me to just forget it and go home. I’ve organised to go with some UK peoples and their Great Aunt and Uncle up the Great Ocean Road towards the 12 Apostle.
Saturday morning arrives and i’m on the road. We stop occassionally along the way to take pictures and to relax a little. Not sure where but im in Australia, on the Great Ocean Road and it finally feels like i’m having a little adventure and seeing some new things. We stop in a town and for an hour or so we all jump around in the sea and take pictures, paddling and chasing seagulls, Nelson looks on a little disprovingly, but eventually even he joins in and decides to have a little fun with the seagulls.

We spent to the night in Apollo Bay where I stay in a surf side Hostel and meet a few people travelling in the opposite direction to us. It’s a fun night as we kill time playing pool with Andrea from Russia who’s studying to be a lawyer in Syndey. Small world. We leave with a pomise to catch up for a drink later when we are both back in Sydney. A promise I intend to keep for he is a decent fellow and it will be nice to be shown some places by a local.

The next day we manage to reach the Apostles and wander up through some beautiful clive sides admiring the power of the sea and the beauty of our surrounds. Well, at least I did.

I slept on the way home and that early evening I spoke with Flo and explained how I was feeling about Melbourne in general, how I was melancholy and did not know many people yet. I was feeling a little down as I still felt very trapped in Melbourne and unsure of to how to spend my time. After a short chat I decided that enough was enough and went and had a random conversation with some guy’s playing cards. We got on rather well and were all hanging out together most of the night whilst I spoke with a guy who was actually staying in the same room as me. We played pool and table tennis and generally had a good time that night. After they had gone to bed I bumped into a Kiwi who looks like Rolf Harris and we had chat’s about some rather random things. We spoke with one of the Bar staff and ended up all going to a club called “The Pit”, originally built as a bar for the staff of “The Crown” casino to retire after work. A recent refurb has enabled this small hidden little place to become a right gem only admitting hospitallity staff. Unbeknownst to the bouncer’s I was blagging for all my worth and managed to get in, where we stayed until around 5am and then stumbled back to the Hostel for 2 hours sleep where my alarm reminds me, and the poor guy in the bunk below that I am supposed to be up and off to the station.

I’ve decided to visit Albury, a town north of Melbourne and just over the border into NSW. As I sat back reading Pies and Prejudice I realised that my feelings of this country being like a big version of the UK might be slightly unfounded.

The train is speeding through lush green fields and rolling hills, forested countryside that could almost be kent.
The misty morning clears around me to reveal blue cloudy skies and sheep, sheep and cow’s everywhere. Which is no surprise given the nature of the countryside.

The train cuts a path northwards and my sense of adventure is at a high, thrilling. The train announcer entices me to purchase a Devonshire tea at $5.40 its an unresistable bargain, of course I will definetely be doing that.

Even after this, there is still an undeniably western feel to the place, except of course the lamas in the backyard, giant semi permanent pools and the low hanging ucalyptus trees.

Australia’s beauty is more obviously now definetely not within it’s modern, close packed cities. Melbourne thrives on a reputation of culture, food, music and film. An obviously unresistable temptation to the modern day backpacker. Alas for it is still 2 weeks wait for an australian film festival here in Melbourne and I cannot decide if it will be worthwhile.

Albury, war memorial, dean st, lunch, trout, green beans, etc, Nelson!!! Aboriginal, sunset, sleep St Kilda, plans to hire car.

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