I was too young and immature, never ready for the commitment, never the mental capacity to deal with even the idea of what I had.
Your all constant rebounds, I hate to say it, hate to admit it. Ever since I lost the one girl I truly loved everyone else has been a part-time distraction, a rebound and moving on to the next. Reaching and screaming out for what I won’t ever have again.
Constantly moving forwards, I need to break this vicious circle. I know that I’m jumping between you all because really I’ve never gotten over this girl. Never wanted too. I jump back into another relationship as quick as possible because I never know when I’m ready. I never know whens the right time. Never given myself time to be me, to be on my own and love myself, let my heart heal and let my head find the right track.
I’m not ready for this, I never gave up, I promised I would never stop loving her, and I haven’t I haven’t ever accepted that it was time, there is no chance to make a gesture, no chance to do and know. To feel the warmth of your heart and smile. To hold you in my arms.
I feel sad because I miss what I’ve lost and I’m scared because I don’t know if ill ever have it….I miss you, and I love you. Even if you don’t know it.
Er, I do things for no reason sometimes, just check out the grass im growing on my windowsill…..
How far back to traditions really start.
I have this thing I do every week, at least once a week I buy myself a nice cheese omlett for lunch.
Now this started when I discovered there was a small sandwich store two door’s down from where I work in Fenchurch Street, London. I was thinking about this on the way back into the office today and realised that in fact it started earlier back then that. The routes go back years and years and I have slowly spread my tradition at each relevant point – at the moment I have actually somehow got my coworkers following my trend/tradition/thingymabob.
So let’s go back 12 month’s, working in a small area in Dockland’s I used to take the ferry back and forth from work between Woolwich and onto docklands. During this time I was doing 2 driving lessons a week, crossing back every Tuesday and Thursday, it was by doing this I discovered a small cafe about 15 minutes from my office. This is relevant because it led to the “Hot food Wednesday”, being that we only had a crappy little sandwich van me and my pal would make a point of going to the cafe and buying hot food each Wednesday, or at least once a week. I think the cheese omlette thing goes even further back. When I used to cross over the river for my driving lessons I would go into a cafe there, because I knew for fact that they did a great omlette. I remember thinking this years before that when? Swimming with my mum at the pool opposite we popped in for some lunch. This must have been at least 5 years previous.
This is as far back as I can trace this oddness but what if it goes further, what if my mum had her own reasons and traditions for choosing that particular cafe? It really makes you wonder how in control we really are, what if our habits are really those of our ancestors, changing and blurring over time? Could it be that 100 years ago my family had a penchant for cheese so much so it filtered to my brain all those years ago shaping my thoughts and making me opt for a cheese omlette over everything.
It’s Saturday morning and all this typing on my ipod touch is making me hungry. I’m going to go make an omlette 🙂
Don’t tell anyone but…..I once joined a dance club….Yeah that’s the way to get the girls.
I remember it was this thing we were doing at my primary school and I thought it would be fun, turns out they wanted me to learn a dance choreographed to “Tragedy” by Steps.
Obviously I somehow ended up listening to this song right now and it’s bringing back painfully funny memories, me in my short shorts on the dusty hall floor. Lights dim, spin and focus….I slide my arms round and bring my body up, I’m in a kneeling position….”Tragedy!!!” suddenly I’m on my feet, surrounded by backup dancers, limbs flying everywhere we step and swing, being one with the air. Leotards wrap the bodies of girls all around me. Yet me, the only guy am soul focus.
As the music begins to fade out, lights dim….The crowd burst into sudden applause and scream, and scream. Voice’s echo in my head “Encore!, Encore!”
Well er…at least that’s how it happened in my head
I haven’t sketched or scribbled in years and this is the complete opposite of the drawings I used to do, still its good to pick up a pen and pencil again.
I just realised I’m much better at photoshop then this sketching thing.