Icecream men

11 Sep

This is personal. Really personal, but it doesn’t matter because it needs to be said one way or the other.

I’m sitting in the office at the moment having an argument with a co-worker about what you should do if you get someone pregnant. I personally think you should be there in every way possible but he is putting forward the argument that men have as much choice as women with regards to bringing the child into the world and bringing it up, saying the guy could just pack up and leave if he wanted to.

This is irrelevant but its a point of how our minds can wander. When what I’m really thinking about is getting this out of my system, relieving some of the regret….

When I was 15 I got a job working on an ice cream van, we would drive around with me serving people, cleaning the van and similar things. All fine….

I ended up leaving the job after a few months.

The police had come around to my house telling my mother they had reports of my employer being a paedophile and that I shouldn’t work for him anymore. Many times I was asked if something or anything inappropriate had happened but I couldn’t talk about it and just denied everything.

The regret is that the police, on evidence of friends that worked for a few weeks, brought a case to court against him. He got let off.

I wish I’d had the courage to talk about the things that happened and the situations that were frankly inappropriate. I wish I had to courage to do it now, but I fear it wouldn’t make any difference. The case wouldn’t be reopened and still I don’t really know how to talk about it.

I can’t begin to describe the feeling, the dirtiness, the blame you place on yourself. Hatred of everything and everybody. Hating yourself, distrusting….Fear. The fact that even years later your stomach is still in knots whenever you think about things and try to tell what happened, even if it wasn’t the most serious of things there’s still a block.

Is this how all paedophiles act to children, to people. To make you blame yourself and to hide in the dark these things that were not your fault. And then there are rapists…..

I wanted to make a point here to anyone who reads this, if you have suffered then know that your not alone, there are others that have been there before you, and are going through the same fears and feelings as yourself. Remember you can be happy and live a good life, you can get through whatever has happened, you can tell people, you won’t be judged. It will make a difference

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10 Responses to “Icecream men”

  1. slightlyignorant 11 September, 2008 at 7:51 pm #

    Your message is true and important, and I think it’s probably therapeutic to write about it the way you have.

  2. Allys Stettner 12 September, 2008 at 5:28 am #

    That’s fucking rough, man. It’s nice you can at least get it out somehow, writing has some power to make feelings easier to deal with since it’s all no longer inside.

    Keep on keepin’ on and you’re now fuckin’ linked in my blog. Hell yeah.

  3. Alex Towler 12 September, 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Thank you for the kind words guys, linked back.

  4. kAT 13 September, 2008 at 2:23 pm #

    good onn ya – you pulled urself out of it…

    keep ur chin up ur vter thn whoevr i am tlkn bwr lol

    speak soonies on msmn…

    kate xxx

  5. Alex Towler 13 September, 2008 at 7:40 pm #

    I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all, seriously you don’t know how much it means that people put support behind me. I have dealt with things in my way but I only hope that at least one of you will read what I write and know that you can always make a difference to your own life and others lifes, for the better x

  6. chloé 5 February, 2009 at 10:46 am #

    i finally found this entry & i must admit it wasn’t what i imagined.
    i know (in some respects) how this situation would taint you
    someone very close to my heart was molested as a young child & they turned to drugs to mask the pain
    still to this day, they can’t deal with what happened & everyday i wish terrible things would happen to the man that did this!
    my heart is with you at this entry xo

  7. Mum 11 February, 2009 at 12:10 am #

    You know you can always talk to me alex. On fact I wish you would I absolutely understand how you feel as I have a long history on the subject . I would lay my life down for you in fact I did go around where the bloke lived and committed an offence LOl.I’m always here for you Hun. It’s better out than in im hoping your trip away isn’t your escape from this . If it is them he would have won. Please be happy xxx I always love you fx

  8. Alex Towler 11 February, 2009 at 12:39 am #

    lol I love Offences they are so satisfiying. I’m happy and I have a good life, im certainly not running away from anything. Especially not some stupid fat cunt. excuse my french. I know it might be hard to believe but Ive dealt with it just as I have dealth with everything else in life. Life is waht you make of it.

  9. chloé 11 February, 2009 at 11:00 am #

    oh my alex your mum (?)

    p.s fat cunt is so aussie; excuse your aussie 🙂

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