This is personal. Really personal, but it doesn’t matter because it needs to be said one way or the other.
I’m sitting in the office at the moment having an argument with a co-worker about what you should do if you get someone pregnant. I personally think you should be there in every way possible but he is putting forward the argument that men have as much choice as women with regards to bringing the child into the world and bringing it up, saying the guy could just pack up and leave if he wanted to.
This is irrelevant but its a point of how our minds can wander. When what I’m really thinking about is getting this out of my system, relieving some of the regret….
When I was 15 I got a job working on an ice cream van, we would drive around with me serving people, cleaning the van and similar things. All fine….
I ended up leaving the job after a few months.
The police had come around to my house telling my mother they had reports of my employer being a paedophile and that I shouldn’t work for him anymore. Many times I was asked if something or anything inappropriate had happened but I couldn’t talk about it and just denied everything.
The regret is that the police, on evidence of friends that worked for a few weeks, brought a case to court against him. He got let off.
I wish I’d had the courage to talk about the things that happened and the situations that were frankly inappropriate. I wish I had to courage to do it now, but I fear it wouldn’t make any difference. The case wouldn’t be reopened and still I don’t really know how to talk about it.
I can’t begin to describe the feeling, the dirtiness, the blame you place on yourself. Hatred of everything and everybody. Hating yourself, distrusting….Fear. The fact that even years later your stomach is still in knots whenever you think about things and try to tell what happened, even if it wasn’t the most serious of things there’s still a block.
Is this how all paedophiles act to children, to people. To make you blame yourself and to hide in the dark these things that were not your fault. And then there are rapists…..
I wanted to make a point here to anyone who reads this, if you have suffered then know that your not alone, there are others that have been there before you, and are going through the same fears and feelings as yourself. Remember you can be happy and live a good life, you can get through whatever has happened, you can tell people, you won’t be judged. It will make a difference