I have been asked a few time’s why I am blogging, why I am writing these personal things. How do you explain to someone……
I have always written, I got writers block and stopped for a while but something clicked and I feel like me again.
I was blogging before there was even a word, when everyone else had email I had a homepage. Before facebook was even a twinkle in Marks eye, I was uploading and tagging photo’s (which got me in trouble).
This is the thing, now as technology and the web have evolved, we think nothing about putting our whole life’s online. We have all this personal information out there accessible to the masses especially with things like facebook, myspace, flikr and of course wordpress.
I guess this is just me, pushing to take that next step before many others. There is something therapeutic in doing what you love, with consistently proving that your personal feelings are correct, that you don’t have to worry about what everybody thinks because you can be who you are. Online, people used to create persona’s, online identities to be someone who your are not, this is still done especially in MMORPG’s.
I pride myself on my openness, my honesty and the fact that no matter the risk, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I’m not afraid of judgement, I know who I am. This is me, I do what I do because it’s what I do best.
I guess the only explanation for being this way, for having no fear of the consequences is in part due to arrogance, in the form of – I’m British, I’m young, I know my rights so come get me. But mainly it is because it feels right. Nothing feels better then to just let it out.
I have Aspergers Syndrome, a mild form of Autism. Couple this with other things made childhood very difficult. I remember my dad leaving when I was three, I remember how violent he seemed, the constant shouting and arguing in my house. I remember that he didn’t come to visit me in hospital. I remember him not believing me. I tried time and time again, whenever we got to see him, to explain about my Autism but he would just dismiss it, he would tell me I didn’t have it and there was nothing wrong with me.
This bothers me still, because as a person I tend to keep things bottled up inside me and its taken 15 years or more to be able to talk to him about these things. We have a good relationship now, but it will never be quite the same as what I have with my dad. Without confusing things let me change some names around. My step-father, I call my dad. He is the one who brought me up and I love and respect him. Then there’s my birth father, who should really be called father as it sounds more formal but I tend to slip tongue and say dad. I care about him and have always wanted him in my life, we get on well but it will take more years to bridge the gaps we have because I don’t think we will truly understand each other.
What I was talking about is this thing where I bottle up my feelings – it’s not good and writing seems a perfect outlet for every thought that goes through my head, I feel more relaxed and happy, happy go lucky.