Archive | December, 2008

Pretentious sandwhich shops and TShirt designs

23 Dec

Morning wanderings always give me something to think about, something to say and some silly thought to have.

First of the rant:

At what point did it become ok for these pretentious sneering sandwhich shops to exhist. This morning I want round the corner to this little sanwhich shop near Fenchurch Street, on reccommendation I might add. The store was decorated like most of these places. Shiny, silky and metallic. Lot’s of glass fronted cabinets – and for some reason rows and rows of Brown Sauce. By the looks of this place I could get what I wanted – spotty twenty something girl behind counter looks up at me and smiles. Pleasant enough. “Can I get a sausage and egg sandwhich please with some Ketchup”

It’s 11am, middle of London, I’m hungry, they have bottles of brown sauce as decoration….

“Sorry breakfast is over. I can’t do you egg but if you go down to the other end they guys can give you sausage. We also have a collection of cold meats”

Simple rant goes – WTF!!!!!!!!

Now the T-Shirt design, prepare to be wow’ed beyond your wildest dreams.

You know how tempting it is to touch Wet Paint signs…..Tshirt with “Wet Paint” printed in large letters 😀 – On the back it’ll say “You Know You Want To” ehhehe It would have to be made to look like the sign is taped on and everything

Yay

Secret’s are better when they’re shorter

20 Dec

Secret’s are better when they’re shorter

I’m afraid of life,
I’m afraid of myself
I know I’m a hypocrite
I fake emotions that I think I should feel
I don’t care, about anything.

I’m scared of life, love, the future
I don’t understand myself
I want to be this person
I want to love and have romance, stories, secrets, past and present
I care about you all – but sometimes I’d rather be selfish.

I fear that I won’t achieve
I don’t even know my goals
I lust for the wrong things, and people
I want to feel adventure – but everyday is the same
I buy things to make myself feel bigger and better than you all.

I worry that I’m alone
I love this feeling
I’m happy and fulfilled but need attention
I crave for desire but reject everyone
I’d rather be alone but it’s scary

I realised I’m human
We’re all the same
No-one knows me better than me
I don’t know myself
Again, were all the same

It took me along time to realise that. We’re all human and none of us are truly alone. Our fears, ideas, dreams, confusions, religions. Everything – we’re all human and somewhere out there someone feels exactly the same, we all share this fear of ourselves and others and strive for direction and assistance yet confuse and shun those who help us. We can all be selfish and we can all judge. Everyone is hypocritical at some point even if just the once and only a tiny bit. I think we all suffer in ourselves yet I believe in people more than I know. I have faith in goodness and judgement. It’s easy, we all make mistakes. I think we need to get over ourselves but I’m just as arrogant if not more than the next person. I wish people could believe in themselves. I get angry and scared, I get irrational. Fuck! I like to swear. I want to be this good guy. I pretend to be this bad guy. I can’t spell and my mental arithemetic has gotten worse. I’m lazy

My recent status

19 Dec

Alex Towler's Facebook Profile

Creating a dream

18 Dec

I used to dream of being an author. But it was more a creation of a goal than a dream. It almost feels like I was writing or trying to write for others. To proof some point that is long forgotten because I know by fact I don’t have the temperament or determination to write anything of significance. I tried, many times, to start something. My most successful piece being an exploration of growing up with Autism, I had structure and direction but I sense it was lost halfway through so I’ve decided to dump it here in this post and forget about it for a few years. Who knows it might help someone, somewhere, with something.

The First Chapter

I suppose that the first chapter should start at the beginning but I also suppose that you never know where to begin when you’re me. I decided to write a little about myself to give an understanding to those that know nothing or very little about Autism and Asperger syndrome.
Well I guess that’s a good starting point, so what is Asperger’ and Autism.

I was told that the first revision of this was to hard to read as I keep jumping, and things. So I scrapped saying what pro’s say and concentrate on how I feel about things.

What I have always known it as is something that affects me to make my mind and how I see everything around me.
With Autism and Asperger syndrome there are many different aspects and traits in a wide and confusing arc of severities. This makes it very difficult to understand and help a child with Asperger Syndrome it just takes honesty and time, after time I have learnt to deal with things but I will always encounter new situations and not understand certain things. It’s life and I’m constantly learning.

The Second Chapter

I hope to talk about the different traits often present with AS, and the way in which I have learnt to deal with my traits. Hopefully you will gather something useful from reading this.

As a child at primary school I found it very hard to socialise with people, I could never understand why I wasn’t liked and I would never know how to behave with people, it’s very difficult growing up not realising that it may be you that is the problem. Now many years later talking with friends I have realised how I behaved and the differences to how I thought I was being. I was always considered scary and weird, and I always believed people were just picking on me, and so I lashed out angrily at everybody.

I could never understand how or what I was doing wrong.

Instead of learning how to make friends I retreated into myself, locked myself in my books and slowly crept into my own head

It’s not all bad, I love reading and am always happy to be by myself and often prefer this, I think very logically and like to work with computers in which I have a natural grasp. Autistic people are said to have a very logical brain pattern and are more often physical learners, they like to be doing and working with there hands. Like with all people I have a special subject, something I can always relate to and consistently work at and use. I can often be heard to go on and on about computers and will always love to be sat with a computer and a screw driver. My mind cannot keep track of one thing unless it is to do with computers; I often tend to go off on a tangent and then end up in a round-about way talking about computers and electronics. It is often very off putting to people, and many autistic people will find it very difficult to make friends or to hold a conversation about something other then their special subject. This coupled with other common traits of Autism can make it very hard on those that live with an autistic person, but do not despair. With time traits will become less obvious, and an autistic person is just as able as any other to learn more about themselves and find ways of coping and dealing with their problems. Once I found a good group of friends who were honest with me and would tell me what I was dong wrong, but accept me for me and help life became a lot easier and with time I began to develop my own techniques for coping.

My love for reading fantasy and science fiction books, such as Sabriel, or Discworld novels started when I was in primary school. Whilst others were out in the playground and having fun I would retreat to the library and read, it was an escape for me. It was exhilarating and I could be in another world, anything could happen and I could let my imagination run wild. I was probably seen outside of school and other places waving my hands around in an odd fashion, but to me my hand was a space ship, or a rocket flying through the air. Blasting away at things. My day dreams about flying being my only concern and often crossing the road without a second look.

I used to love the sensation of floating or being free and would spend hours at a time in the bath with my head under water just floating there and dreaming about life.

My childhood was happy, if I had no friends it did not matter, I was content in being in my own world and ruling the universe with a hand.

Another Chapter

When I moved on to secondary school I found that I had an above average understanding and ability in maths and English, I loved reading and writing, and was always able to pick up even some of the more difficult ideas in maths and algebra. But I still didn’t have any friends and I still could not handle the change of having a supply teacher instead of my regular teacher. This would upset and distress me, I would get annoyed at the teacher and start to misbehave or throw tantrums. It is easier now but even if things aren’t working to a set schedule I still can get upset or frustrated.

Chapter Something or Other

Well that was a short chapter. Ok so where was I, secondary school. Wait I have just remembered something. I love doing puzzles, when I was in nursery I would do puzzles instead of taking naps and was always able to do them very quickly and without any trouble even the more advanced one’s. I am not sure what this says about me but you may understand it. Sorry I had to say that or I would forget

The true guise of an apology

16 Dec

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to say “Sorry” – What I mean is, to say just “Sorry” nothing else, no explanation no meaning.

So many sentences can contain “Sorry” but they all seem to need this addition of explanation. If you apologise I believe a majority of the time you are looking, asking, maybe even begging for a chance to explain, to justify your actions and to, more than anything, forgive yourself.

Here’s an example that might make more sense – Imagine you upset someone in an argument about something you feel really passionate about. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did” – this sentence is hardly ever uttered. In fact you are more likely to hear “Sorry I acted the way I did, but I get upset easily” or something similar

So maybe an apology is not an admittance of guilt, or an expression of repent but in fact a guise to justify our actions.

Repeat because life’s good

15 Dec

I want to repeat something Ive probably said before. Whatever the dilemma or sticky patch your life seems to be in.

One thing to make it better – Put on that track that always cheers you up, press repeat and whack up the volume. Tomorrow is a new day.
Keep safe, my love goes out to you all tonight because – well, my tracks on repeat…nothing can spoil this moment

Status Updates – Key to my heart and mind

13 Dec

If anyone here that reads this is on my Facebook list. You might notice that my status is updated more than is healthy.

At times I use that little box to express some of my deepest thoughts, fears and anxieties. I want to open a debate, ask a question, get reassurance or just let someone know how I’m feeling. Every update has meaning behind it, every little push of the button sends my thoughts into the wild and I don’t think many people clearly understand the true significance of some of my posts. Let’s look at a few recent ones.

Alex Towler is concerned about the trap

Posted only just now. I’m looking at my screen and wondering why when all these unanswered questions and insecurities are flying around my head. Why do I box them in, I have something to prove – an image to project. So I trap my thoughts inside my head and try to deal with the questions I know are silly yet I feel this need for reassurance.

Alex Towler is a big gay pirate

In response to comments posted on a friends update I decided not to argue and be a big gay pirate. The comment following, I’d rather be a big gay pirate than a small straight man. Right there was the biggest fear posted and questioned in a rather small and insignificant way. Using humour to cover that a lot of my insecurities are based around my small penis. I’d rather be a BIG gay pirate. Than a SMALL straight man…

Alex Towler is watching Grand Designs

Sometimes though, my posts are self explanatory.

Alex Towler is annoyingly annoyed

Here is an interesting update. I was worrying and getting frustrated, I know that when people first meet me I can be really annoying, I try to reign it in but in essence I still constantly struggle with meeting people. I was frustrated at not being able to explain to people how difficult it is, ask if/how I annoyed them, and learn to be better….

It’s funny how a few sort words can mean so much to someone like me. But don’t read too much into it…