Creating a dream

18 Dec

I used to dream of being an author. But it was more a creation of a goal than a dream. It almost feels like I was writing or trying to write for others. To proof some point that is long forgotten because I know by fact I don’t have the temperament or determination to write anything of significance. I tried, many times, to start something. My most successful piece being an exploration of growing up with Autism, I had structure and direction but I sense it was lost halfway through so I’ve decided to dump it here in this post and forget about it for a few years. Who knows it might help someone, somewhere, with something.

The First Chapter

I suppose that the first chapter should start at the beginning but I also suppose that you never know where to begin when you’re me. I decided to write a little about myself to give an understanding to those that know nothing or very little about Autism and Asperger syndrome.
Well I guess that’s a good starting point, so what is Asperger’ and Autism.

I was told that the first revision of this was to hard to read as I keep jumping, and things. So I scrapped saying what pro’s say and concentrate on how I feel about things.

What I have always known it as is something that affects me to make my mind and how I see everything around me.
With Autism and Asperger syndrome there are many different aspects and traits in a wide and confusing arc of severities. This makes it very difficult to understand and help a child with Asperger Syndrome it just takes honesty and time, after time I have learnt to deal with things but I will always encounter new situations and not understand certain things. It’s life and I’m constantly learning.

The Second Chapter

I hope to talk about the different traits often present with AS, and the way in which I have learnt to deal with my traits. Hopefully you will gather something useful from reading this.

As a child at primary school I found it very hard to socialise with people, I could never understand why I wasn’t liked and I would never know how to behave with people, it’s very difficult growing up not realising that it may be you that is the problem. Now many years later talking with friends I have realised how I behaved and the differences to how I thought I was being. I was always considered scary and weird, and I always believed people were just picking on me, and so I lashed out angrily at everybody.

I could never understand how or what I was doing wrong.

Instead of learning how to make friends I retreated into myself, locked myself in my books and slowly crept into my own head

It’s not all bad, I love reading and am always happy to be by myself and often prefer this, I think very logically and like to work with computers in which I have a natural grasp. Autistic people are said to have a very logical brain pattern and are more often physical learners, they like to be doing and working with there hands. Like with all people I have a special subject, something I can always relate to and consistently work at and use. I can often be heard to go on and on about computers and will always love to be sat with a computer and a screw driver. My mind cannot keep track of one thing unless it is to do with computers; I often tend to go off on a tangent and then end up in a round-about way talking about computers and electronics. It is often very off putting to people, and many autistic people will find it very difficult to make friends or to hold a conversation about something other then their special subject. This coupled with other common traits of Autism can make it very hard on those that live with an autistic person, but do not despair. With time traits will become less obvious, and an autistic person is just as able as any other to learn more about themselves and find ways of coping and dealing with their problems. Once I found a good group of friends who were honest with me and would tell me what I was dong wrong, but accept me for me and help life became a lot easier and with time I began to develop my own techniques for coping.

My love for reading fantasy and science fiction books, such as Sabriel, or Discworld novels started when I was in primary school. Whilst others were out in the playground and having fun I would retreat to the library and read, it was an escape for me. It was exhilarating and I could be in another world, anything could happen and I could let my imagination run wild. I was probably seen outside of school and other places waving my hands around in an odd fashion, but to me my hand was a space ship, or a rocket flying through the air. Blasting away at things. My day dreams about flying being my only concern and often crossing the road without a second look.

I used to love the sensation of floating or being free and would spend hours at a time in the bath with my head under water just floating there and dreaming about life.

My childhood was happy, if I had no friends it did not matter, I was content in being in my own world and ruling the universe with a hand.

Another Chapter

When I moved on to secondary school I found that I had an above average understanding and ability in maths and English, I loved reading and writing, and was always able to pick up even some of the more difficult ideas in maths and algebra. But I still didn’t have any friends and I still could not handle the change of having a supply teacher instead of my regular teacher. This would upset and distress me, I would get annoyed at the teacher and start to misbehave or throw tantrums. It is easier now but even if things aren’t working to a set schedule I still can get upset or frustrated.

Chapter Something or Other

Well that was a short chapter. Ok so where was I, secondary school. Wait I have just remembered something. I love doing puzzles, when I was in nursery I would do puzzles instead of taking naps and was always able to do them very quickly and without any trouble even the more advanced one’s. I am not sure what this says about me but you may understand it. Sorry I had to say that or I would forget


2 Responses to “Creating a dream”

  1. chloé 19 December, 2008 at 1:00 am #

    i guess, i must have something on here worth coming back for.

    i enjoy blogging, like you i had another blog i mainly wrote in, i poured every inch of energy, anger, depressive thought & backstabbing word i had into; i deleted it 4 months ago & i’ve never felt more relieved lol.

    i’m interested to see your photography, let me know when you’ve had the chance to post it : )

    do you have autism, or was that just the idea for the writting(?) i read it all, i lost myself sometimes, but i do like how it’s a little erratic, it feels natural for you to right this


  2. chloé 19 December, 2008 at 8:24 am #

    i’ll catch you when i’m back from holidays take care alex 🙂

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