I never

5 Jun

I never write about the ones I love or the happiness in my heart. If you read my posts you would think that I have nothing much in my life except blind ambition to an unforeseen goal. A direction and dogged determined attitude towards something completely obscure to all who know me.

This morning has been oddly upsetting. There is someone I love, I think so, very much, but who am I too know if what I think I feel is real. I’ll miss her so much and the fear of loosing what I have stumbled into, almost blindly makes me turn my back, almost on a goal I have aimed for over the past year or more. I have this desire and this need to push for these goals regardless of the pain it causes because I know its something I need to do before I regret my whole life knowing I could be a better person.

I’ve been waiting to hear these words for a while that maybe for me it is a solitary journey.

I’m scared of this trip, even more so now. But part of me considers it may be better, to be honest with myself, my mind has tossed and turned backwards and forwards constantly for the past month or more. To be or not to be, to go or not to go, to do or not to do. Whatever the answers, logic persuades me finally to accept, once more. To accept that I may lose, through fault of my own, something very special and unique to me…

You know how some songs remind you of the thoughless instictive care and love of those around you, those people that love you even if you are a smelly git…


3 Responses to “I never”

  1. slightlyignorant 6 June, 2009 at 6:25 pm #

    That’s a tough situation, Alex… The thing is, though, like you said – this might be a journey you just need to make, part of becoming whoever you want to become, and sacrifices might be part of that. If you can see yourself spending your whole life with this person? Then stay, because not many people like that crop up in our lifetimes. But if, in all honesty, you can see yourself living without this person one day, then go, take the journey.

  2. chloë 9 June, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    em makes a vaild point, something i thought when i read your entry
    hopefully whatever decision you make, is the right one for you

  3. onemorning85 16 June, 2009 at 6:01 am #

    Aw this post is lovely. You really care about this person 🙂

    I think they’d want you to go because new experiences makes us better people.

    ❤ Lauren

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