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Power of Words

18 Sep

Word’s clearly have a power over people, there’s an openness to them that make people stop and think. At first when I received the email from my father I wasn’t sure what to think and how to feel. I know he had been reading it, or at least knew it was there. There is a difference between him and my mother. I’ve grown up with her and she knows what I’m like, she understands the brutality of my thoughts and honesty in how I think, it’s just me, I don’t mean any harm but I’m not going to change because I don’t want to be someone else. Continue reading


Why I write – A Followup

17 Sep

I thought I should put this up here as a follow up to my blog post “Why I write” I received an email after posting my entry. Continue reading

Things to say

16 Sep

I just want to post this out that what I write is just an expression of self, looking at my past and I can only write about what I know and how I feel, what I remember. I’m not proportioning blame or trying to break lines and ties that have been forged, I’m not asking for understanding or apologise, I’m not asking for guilt……

This is just me and how I understand myself and my past, people and things change over time and nothing can be changed.

Why do you write?

16 Sep

I have been asked a few time’s why I am blogging, why I am writing these personal things. How do you explain to someone…… Continue reading

Idioms – Family, friends and can they really apply to me?

13 Sep

I was thinking about idioms whilst on the bus back home, I want to fix my bike so I can go and cycle in Greenwich park again, we used to go there with friends and spend long summer days relaxing in the sun with a good book. I have this one friend, Lauren, who’s always been an amazing mate. She is one of these people that know who, and how to make an effort with people and she seems to be everybody’s buddy.

Lauren’s off to Uni next week and I haven’t seen her in a long time, i’m afraid of losing her and it upsets me to think about it. I have a few close friends but there are many more who have drifted away over the years, I will always consider them good mates, but it’s not quite the same. There’s a distance that’s grown between us and it can’t be bridged so easily.

There’s this silly idiom that bounces along the lines of “Dates come and go, but your mates will always be there” – I wonder if this can really apply to me. Can it really apply to anyone in my age group? I don’t think so really, with such fickle bonds these things can break apart as easily as other relationships.

I’ll always miss my friends, the ones I am close to because we are like family, when there is no-one else. There are these guys, whether in the background or on the front line helping you fight personal demons. They can be depended on. I know family is important, but family is there on a blood level. Its difficult to imagine your family not being there, because they are family. It’s like an unwritten rule. But friends, well, anything could happen and then one day you wake, and their gone. Poof! puff of smoke and nothing left but memories and a half told joke that’s forgotten the next day. After years this could fade and then we only have or memories that fade in the light, faded like old photographs – only remembered when looking through albums at forced social conventions.

What direction do the young truly have, it seems obvious to me that as so many don’t, can’t or won’t believe in themselves then we are lost. Without these little pointers – idioms and believe, we have nothing to give us the clues we need to survive. The skills we need to make the right decisions, to head in the right direction.

I have fallen off the track many times but there has always been my mum behind me, believing in me so much that I could believe in myself, I learnt, through my autism and the normal teenage struggles, how to make the right decisions and how to believe in my actions. To set myself goals and ambitions to give direction and determination, knowing that there is always a point just a little ahead where I can look back and say. “This is what I have achieved”, I know my mum doesn’t read this but I want to tell her, and clearly the whole of the intranet that may fall along this blog that I love her, she, like me, has always put everyone else first. Giving up her own needs for her family and friends, I always know my mum will trust me, I know she will love me and I know that she is a shining example to look up to.
If we all had a heart and mind that was inclined to help, wherever we could then surely we could help ourselves and each other to live life well.
I don’t know about idioms, I don’t think they can give more direction then I can find in myself, but those crazy Chinese seem to be doing OK….

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