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I never

5 Jun

I never write about the ones I love or the happiness in my heart. If you read my posts you would think that I have nothing much in my life except blind ambition to an unforeseen goal. A direction and dogged determined attitude towards something completely obscure to all who know me.

This morning has been oddly upsetting. There is someone I love, I think so, very much, but who am I too know if what I think I feel is real. I’ll miss her so much and the fear of loosing what I have stumbled into, almost blindly makes me turn my back, almost on a goal I have aimed for over the past year or more. I have this desire and this need to push for these goals regardless of the pain it causes because I know its something I need to do before I regret my whole life knowing I could be a better person.

I’ve been waiting to hear these words for a while that maybe for me it is a solitary journey.

I’m scared of this trip, even more so now. But part of me considers it may be better, to be honest with myself, my mind has tossed and turned backwards and forwards constantly for the past month or more. To be or not to be, to go or not to go, to do or not to do. Whatever the answers, logic persuades me finally to accept, once more. To accept that I may lose, through fault of my own, something very special and unique to me…

You know how some songs remind you of the thoughless instictive care and love of those around you, those people that love you even if you are a smelly git…

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Acceptance of foriegn culture

9 May
Italy 3
Italy 3

I have recently returned from visiting Italy with little Floperv and have once again found myself in a situation several times feeling very frustrated and aggressive. The reason being that I am still English and with that comes a natural nature to Que. To be polite and to generally try to be pleasant to people. What I experienced in Italy was a very near opposite of these basic ideals I tend to live by. My blood began to boil and whilst waiting in the que for the plane I began to have Italians forming up on my flanks, obviously waiting to step in front of me or to step into the que at any moment. My hand was shaking and from nowhere came this beast, ready to fling burning coffee into everyone’s faces. It was only the calming influence of my company that saved the blister’s from the Italian buggers.

What I am curious of clearly is if really this was an act of aggression from a misunderstanding or intollerance of anothers culture or are they just rude buggers who need a slap. What really constitutes intollerance?

And now for some pictures I took whilst in Italy. Enjoy

When the words won’t come

14 Apr

When the word’s won’t come. To untie the knots in your stomache. What do you do?

How can you express and understand this feeling. I don’t know if I have the words.

I want to describe this longing that drags at every cell of my body. This knowledge, and comfort in what I want. The fear of losing. Too many questions in my head right now.

An unpublished

24 Feb

So this post was written several days ago on my Iphone but it doesn’t seem to have published. I wanted to send out this spliced up message a combination of my own words and Eminems but it’s not really out their for everyone. Just a few, if it’s you I hope you read it.

So this is my goodbye I’m sending – I hope you hear it.
I can’t really say goodbye, so long. So instead self sabotage with hate and anger to mask the fear. It’s been a long time but these last few months it’s all piled up and I can’t deal with it anymore – it might only be a small thing but I don’t think we can be friends anymore – I’m leaving soon and don’t want to say goodbye because I love you and care for you – you were the best friend and will always be remembered as such. But I think your priorities and goals, direction and self have changed to much, so much so.  You don’t support me anymore – I don’t think you ever take my side – do you want me to be happy or is there some other agenda? I don’t know anymore but it’s too hard to figure out the uncertainty, the intrigue and the bloody politics of everything. It all feels so underhand and designed for your own purposes – these words really I don’t understand. Anyway, enough. Goodbye, sorry and good luck. With love x

Spam Comments – Relevance?

4 Dec

I don’t think I have the ability to structure my thoughts for long enough to expand on my previous ideas. My mind likes to jump up and down, round and round and as such here’s a comment that the Anti-Spam thingy on WordPress found

“Dear Brother/ Sister in faith…

Now a fact is I don’t do Q&A’s but when it comes to religion I leave you with something to think about.

Feel free to browse around:

http://thetruereligion.wordpress.com

I love how it’s clearly targeted at me. I’m a little scared though because I’m sure I never told anyone about the sex change operation. I’m guessing somehow one of the cute nurses thought she’d look me up and found this link somewhere (Facebook maybe?).

Hi Lucy – Thanks for the comments. Maybe we should do coffee sometime? I’m dying to try out the new, er, equipment you and your buddies at the hospital gave me. Send my love x

Forbidden Love and Lust

22 Oct

Love is not the greatest emotion ever. With it’s trixy ways and incredible likeness – Lust has moved to the fore. We now have to contend not only with Lady luck but the formidable temptress of Forbidden Lust.

Talking from experience, I hear “No” and take it as an invite, a challenge, a goal. The power of denial takes hold to such a degree that the confusions between Love and Lust become so entangled that they are undistinguish-able.

I’m certain that we all want what we can’t, shouldn’t have. But I think I have it slightly worse. It’s in my nature particularly strongly to want to be with someone else. To share happiness, joy, and kisses in the dark. Holding hands could lead to a walk down a dangerous path. For the wrenching emptiness is crying out to be filled. This forced separation that I have put on myself, this wall, where I block all my natural instincts in favour of healing a heart, too many times broken.

This stupidity of keeping a distance from anyone I might get close to is seriously battling against my self constraint and logic. Those emotions and thoughts that all tell me its wrong. In words – My Head is once more doing battle with My Heart. And losing, all I really want is that connection, maybe even the certain tingling and warmth that can only be felt from a lovers embrace.

Loving girls is too hard, screw constant rebounds

28 Sep

I was too young and immature, never ready for the commitment, never the mental capacity to deal with even the idea of what I had.

Your all constant rebounds, I hate to say it, hate to admit it. Ever since I lost the one girl I truly loved everyone else has been a part-time distraction, a rebound and moving on to the next. Reaching and screaming out for what I won’t ever have again.

Constantly moving forwards, I need to break this vicious circle. I know that I’m jumping between you all because really I’ve never gotten over this girl. Never wanted too. I jump back into another relationship as quick as possible because I never know when I’m ready. I never know whens the right time. Never given myself time to be me, to be on my own and love myself, let my heart heal and let my head find the right track.

I’m not ready for this, I never gave up, I promised I would never stop loving her, and I haven’t I haven’t ever accepted that it was time, there is no chance to make a gesture, no chance to do and know. To feel the warmth of your heart and smile. To hold you in my arms.

I feel sad because I miss what I’ve lost and I’m scared because I don’t know if ill ever have it….I miss you, and I love you. Even if you don’t know it.