I never write about the ones I love or the happiness in my heart. If you read my posts you would think that I have nothing much in my life except blind ambition to an unforeseen goal. A direction and dogged determined attitude towards something completely obscure to all who know me.
This morning has been oddly upsetting. There is someone I love, I think so, very much, but who am I too know if what I think I feel is real. I’ll miss her so much and the fear of loosing what I have stumbled into, almost blindly makes me turn my back, almost on a goal I have aimed for over the past year or more. I have this desire and this need to push for these goals regardless of the pain it causes because I know its something I need to do before I regret my whole life knowing I could be a better person.
I’ve been waiting to hear these words for a while that maybe for me it is a solitary journey.
I’m scared of this trip, even more so now. But part of me considers it may be better, to be honest with myself, my mind has tossed and turned backwards and forwards constantly for the past month or more. To be or not to be, to go or not to go, to do or not to do. Whatever the answers, logic persuades me finally to accept, once more. To accept that I may lose, through fault of my own, something very special and unique to me…
You know how some songs remind you of the thoughless instictive care and love of those around you, those people that love you even if you are a smelly git…
When the word’s won’t come. To untie the knots in your stomache. What do you do?
How can you express and understand this feeling. I don’t know if I have the words.
I want to describe this longing that drags at every cell of my body. This knowledge, and comfort in what I want. The fear of losing. Too many questions in my head right now.
I don’t think I have the ability to structure my thoughts for long enough to expand on my previous ideas. My mind likes to jump up and down, round and round and as such here’s a comment that the Anti-Spam thingy on WordPress found
“Dear Brother/ Sister in faith…
Now a fact is I don’t do Q&A’s but when it comes to religion I leave you with something to think about.
Feel free to browse around:
I love how it’s clearly targeted at me. I’m a little scared though because I’m sure I never told anyone about the sex change operation. I’m guessing somehow one of the cute nurses thought she’d look me up and found this link somewhere (Facebook maybe?).
Hi Lucy – Thanks for the comments. Maybe we should do coffee sometime? I’m dying to try out the new, er, equipment you and your buddies at the hospital gave me. Send my love x
Love is not the greatest emotion ever. With it’s trixy ways and incredible likeness – Lust has moved to the fore. We now have to contend not only with Lady luck but the formidable temptress of Forbidden Lust.
Talking from experience, I hear “No” and take it as an invite, a challenge, a goal. The power of denial takes hold to such a degree that the confusions between Love and Lust become so entangled that they are undistinguish-able.
I’m certain that we all want what we can’t, shouldn’t have. But I think I have it slightly worse. It’s in my nature particularly strongly to want to be with someone else. To share happiness, joy, and kisses in the dark. Holding hands could lead to a walk down a dangerous path. For the wrenching emptiness is crying out to be filled. This forced separation that I have put on myself, this wall, where I block all my natural instincts in favour of healing a heart, too many times broken.
This stupidity of keeping a distance from anyone I might get close to is seriously battling against my self constraint and logic. Those emotions and thoughts that all tell me its wrong. In words – My Head is once more doing battle with My Heart. And losing, all I really want is that connection, maybe even the certain tingling and warmth that can only be felt from a lovers embrace.
I was too young and immature, never ready for the commitment, never the mental capacity to deal with even the idea of what I had.
Your all constant rebounds, I hate to say it, hate to admit it. Ever since I lost the one girl I truly loved everyone else has been a part-time distraction, a rebound and moving on to the next. Reaching and screaming out for what I won’t ever have again.
Constantly moving forwards, I need to break this vicious circle. I know that I’m jumping between you all because really I’ve never gotten over this girl. Never wanted too. I jump back into another relationship as quick as possible because I never know when I’m ready. I never know whens the right time. Never given myself time to be me, to be on my own and love myself, let my heart heal and let my head find the right track.
I’m not ready for this, I never gave up, I promised I would never stop loving her, and I haven’t I haven’t ever accepted that it was time, there is no chance to make a gesture, no chance to do and know. To feel the warmth of your heart and smile. To hold you in my arms.
I feel sad because I miss what I’ve lost and I’m scared because I don’t know if ill ever have it….I miss you, and I love you. Even if you don’t know it.