Tag Archives: 2

Fat People and Train Seats

20 Feb

Now I don’t mean to be rude. But when I’m sitting on a train, reading my paper or my book – Maybe listening to my MP3 Player just minding my own business. So now anyone that travels on public transport knows that it’s difficult to get a seat at the best of times. So I love it when I actually find a seat and plot up, cosy my head in my hood and nap until I get home.

So, when a Fat person sits next to me I get really upset.

2 reasons really – the seats are small and hard to get. It’s for this reason that I hate it when a fat person literally wedge’s themselves between me and another person – practically forcing my off my seat and onto the floor. I mean come on – “Did you pay for two seats you fat bastard? What? No? – then move the fuck over or loose some weight!” “Stop killing your heart with grease and donuts!” “Stop growing so many folds of fat that you constantly sweat – so much so that you are soaked and lubed up enough to slide into a seat half your size without even a grunt.

I wouldn’t mind a fat git having two seats if they pay for them! – Here’s a novel idea – Ban fat people on trains, make them walk. They will lose the weight and then can come back on the trains.

Rant over

Advertisements

Let there be love Part 1

12 Feb

This is a posting from the Towler.Tk archives. A silly fun set of stories that managed at some point to lose most direction and humour. Still, you live and learn. They still make me laugh – especially the irrelevance of the title. Enjoy – Spelling,Grammar mistakes and all 😀

*Please note this file contains only fictional events and characters. Any relevance to a living/or dead person and any situation they may have/or will be involved in is purely coincidental*

This is what day dreaming does to you……

The assembly hall was packed, crammed full with 2,000 pupils and not an inch between them.
“Mrs Bonar will take the assembly today, please stand quietly” Miss Gordon stepped away from the podium to the sound of scraping chairs.
The woman strolled into the hall; she looked like a judge with red instead of black and her tailcoat streaming out behind her.
“Please sit” Chairs scraping.
“As I strutted around school yesterday I was disgusted by what I saw.” a metal glint could be seen rising from the podium. She banged the podium with the flat of her hands, Bang, Bang….. The metal object rose higher and a clap could be heard in the distance.
Smoke began to stream in around her feet and she banged again.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
The lights in the hall dimmed.
The object rose into her hand.
And then it all happened.
Simultaneously multi-coloured lights began to swivel around the hall and a spot light spun round to focus on Mrs Bonar.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Bending low she grabbed the hems of her robe and pulled.
Velcro straps could be heard ripping open.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
As the cloak ripped open, red, gold and pink could be seen, then the cloak was gone revealing a Lycra cat suit. It looked like something out of an 80’s rock video all covered in glitter and sequins.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
“Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise, playin’ in the street gonna be a big man some day” She burst into song.
“You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place” Pupils rose throughout the hall and took up the beat.
“Singin'”
Everyone was standing now and the hall echoed with….
“WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU”

Microphone in hand she launched into the second verse and threw herself onto the stage.
That was it Mr Shipley had, had enough. He hitched up his trouser, pulled his white socks way over his ankles and broke into a run. Grabbing the guitar that was conveniently in his path, jumped high into the air and launched into a face melting solo, Strumming along besides Mrs Bonar.
“This is what I was born for” He thought “No more teaching for me.”

As the curtain rose Mr Lloyd could be seen descending from the gangplanks. Smile on his face and drumsticks in his hand he started to drum, his hair billowing out behind him.
Bang, Bang, Clap.

The pupils were entranced, nothing like this had ever happened before.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Shirts were being ripped off and slogans such as “Rock-on” and “e=mc2” could be seen printed across t-shirts throughout the hall.
The music died away and as “The Teachers” left the stage a strange sound could be heard……drifting deep down the corridors and through the French block. Burying deep into the walls and hitchin’ a ride into the history books.

“Encore, Encore”

Alex Towler

http://www.towler.tk

Bookmark and Share