Tag Archives: autism

Creating a dream

18 Dec

I used to dream of being an author. But it was more a creation of a goal than a dream. It almost feels like I was writing or trying to write for others. To proof some point that is long forgotten because I know by fact I don’t have the temperament or determination to write anything of significance. I tried, many times, to start something. My most successful piece being an exploration of growing up with Autism, I had structure and direction but I sense it was lost halfway through so I’ve decided to dump it here in this post and forget about it for a few years. Who knows it might help someone, somewhere, with something.

The First Chapter

I suppose that the first chapter should start at the beginning but I also suppose that you never know where to begin when you’re me. I decided to write a little about myself to give an understanding to those that know nothing or very little about Autism and Asperger syndrome.
Well I guess that’s a good starting point, so what is Asperger’ and Autism.

I was told that the first revision of this was to hard to read as I keep jumping, and things. So I scrapped saying what pro’s say and concentrate on how I feel about things.

What I have always known it as is something that affects me to make my mind and how I see everything around me.
With Autism and Asperger syndrome there are many different aspects and traits in a wide and confusing arc of severities. This makes it very difficult to understand and help a child with Asperger Syndrome it just takes honesty and time, after time I have learnt to deal with things but I will always encounter new situations and not understand certain things. It’s life and I’m constantly learning.

The Second Chapter

I hope to talk about the different traits often present with AS, and the way in which I have learnt to deal with my traits. Hopefully you will gather something useful from reading this.

As a child at primary school I found it very hard to socialise with people, I could never understand why I wasn’t liked and I would never know how to behave with people, it’s very difficult growing up not realising that it may be you that is the problem. Now many years later talking with friends I have realised how I behaved and the differences to how I thought I was being. I was always considered scary and weird, and I always believed people were just picking on me, and so I lashed out angrily at everybody.

I could never understand how or what I was doing wrong.

Instead of learning how to make friends I retreated into myself, locked myself in my books and slowly crept into my own head

It’s not all bad, I love reading and am always happy to be by myself and often prefer this, I think very logically and like to work with computers in which I have a natural grasp. Autistic people are said to have a very logical brain pattern and are more often physical learners, they like to be doing and working with there hands. Like with all people I have a special subject, something I can always relate to and consistently work at and use. I can often be heard to go on and on about computers and will always love to be sat with a computer and a screw driver. My mind cannot keep track of one thing unless it is to do with computers; I often tend to go off on a tangent and then end up in a round-about way talking about computers and electronics. It is often very off putting to people, and many autistic people will find it very difficult to make friends or to hold a conversation about something other then their special subject. This coupled with other common traits of Autism can make it very hard on those that live with an autistic person, but do not despair. With time traits will become less obvious, and an autistic person is just as able as any other to learn more about themselves and find ways of coping and dealing with their problems. Once I found a good group of friends who were honest with me and would tell me what I was dong wrong, but accept me for me and help life became a lot easier and with time I began to develop my own techniques for coping.

My love for reading fantasy and science fiction books, such as Sabriel, or Discworld novels started when I was in primary school. Whilst others were out in the playground and having fun I would retreat to the library and read, it was an escape for me. It was exhilarating and I could be in another world, anything could happen and I could let my imagination run wild. I was probably seen outside of school and other places waving my hands around in an odd fashion, but to me my hand was a space ship, or a rocket flying through the air. Blasting away at things. My day dreams about flying being my only concern and often crossing the road without a second look.

I used to love the sensation of floating or being free and would spend hours at a time in the bath with my head under water just floating there and dreaming about life.

My childhood was happy, if I had no friends it did not matter, I was content in being in my own world and ruling the universe with a hand.

Another Chapter

When I moved on to secondary school I found that I had an above average understanding and ability in maths and English, I loved reading and writing, and was always able to pick up even some of the more difficult ideas in maths and algebra. But I still didn’t have any friends and I still could not handle the change of having a supply teacher instead of my regular teacher. This would upset and distress me, I would get annoyed at the teacher and start to misbehave or throw tantrums. It is easier now but even if things aren’t working to a set schedule I still can get upset or frustrated.

Chapter Something or Other

Well that was a short chapter. Ok so where was I, secondary school. Wait I have just remembered something. I love doing puzzles, when I was in nursery I would do puzzles instead of taking naps and was always able to do them very quickly and without any trouble even the more advanced one’s. I am not sure what this says about me but you may understand it. Sorry I had to say that or I would forget


Travel Plans

3 Oct

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but it came up in conversation again recently and I was thinking about it a fair bit today and yesterday. I haven’t written in a couple of days and it feels really weird, like there’s something missing and I’ve lost an anchor in my life.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve moved out of my parents home. Put a deposit on a flat I’m renting, furnished and decorated the whole flat. I’ve got myself a good job that I enjoy and I’m happy with life. I have somewhere that is truly mine and I can call home. I have anchor’s, I have somewhere to come back to.

My birthday is coming up next Saturday and I plan to have all my friends around me. It’s another anchor in my life. Friends and Family. Familiarity. It’s one thing I strive for in my life. I live on patterns, procedures, numbers….anything really that can be logically broken into smaller chunks and made easier to digest, I’m told this is one of the traits of my Asperger/Autism.

Another trait that I am told I have is that I find change difficult. That’s a fair assessment but as an individual I do things that scare me and challenge me as much as I can.

I have been planning for the last few months to do a bit more travelling. Last year I travelled round some of the capital’s of European cities and immensely enjoyed the experience, its addictive and it helped me learn more about myself more than anything. There really is nothing that can describe the feeling, the exhilaration of just doing it. I know I planned much of it ahead of time and it restricted me in many ways. I decided to do things differently next time….so here I am, 6 months down the line – with no real plan I’m flapping in the wind like a loose flag. No anchor, no direction, just floating around in the ether with a general idea of what I want. I have decided that once the lease comes back up for renewal on my flat – I’m not going to take it, instead I am going to get the deposit back and leave – I’m going to Australia. That’s it, the whole plan. Leave everything I have worked for, everything I have built up, everything I own. Take the bare minimal that will fit in a backpack and go. I have to finish the Visa process and then I’m leaving for at least a year. Maybe when I’m over their I will visit Asia and New-Zealand but that’s all in the wind.

This idea scares me to a point that it’s unbelievable, I imagine the adventure of a lifetime, yet every time I think about it I am reminded of everything I have and everything I will leave behind. All the things I have worked so hard for over the last 6 months/ Year, I will leave. I’ll have no anchors and no direction. I keep talking myself in and out of it.

I guess the main thing keeping me going is that at time’s, I have known that the only reason I have put up with some of the crap and hard times is the plan to travel, to see the world, to learn about it and myself in the process. Adventure…..

Night Train

24 Sep

It was a night just like tonight. Almost two years ago I was sat in a hostel in Rome, just north of Vatican City. I remember feeling a certain apprehension but couldn’t place the reason. That evening the people I had been spending evenings with has all agreed we would have a small leaving party. So wandering out into the darkening night we roved around looking for some cheap alcohol.

I’m not sure why my mind is stuck here in the echoing corridors but it is so there you have it. In reality I’m on a train listening to RHCP and reading the fifth Hitchikers book. Just hoping to get home soon to while away another evening.

I know that I shouldn’t be like this really, my brother is staying with me for a while, I just want to be on my own to wallow in self pity. I never really cry but my thoughts are driving me insane. I’m almost at the point of breaking down right here in my seat.

I guess it’s now that I truly realise that I do need to get out of here, I need this escape and freedom, if I’m stuck in this country much longer I don’t know what I might do. I’m scared knowing this feeling is here just waiting to bubble to the surface when I least expect it, like now.

It’s not knowing how to deal with it which is the worst thing. I have no name for it and I’m stuck, trapped. I sometimes think my determination and focus to travel is the only thing keeping me going. What happens when that becomes not an option. What happens when I have to work, how do I deal with my goals of wanting a family, to be able to provide and bring my kids up well.

How can I ever manage to get outside of my own head, where’s my emergency exit I can’t help myself I just need to put away the memories, the gears and feelings.

Oh hod even thinking about these things is making my stomach twist. I remember these feelings being strongest when I was living alone, a faux depression that only I could see or recognise…

There’s nothing I can do or say to myself that makes me feel better. Nowhere to go. I just want to sleep and wish away another day, one less fay till I can break away and find a wide emptiness, somewhere to let my mind stretch forth. I need the fear and the excitement, the change to let my brain run wild unshackled and free….

Why do you write?

16 Sep

I have been asked a few time’s why I am blogging, why I am writing these personal things. How do you explain to someone…… Continue reading

Cure to a non-existant disease

10 Sep

I think today I’m just in a bad mood, I’m sure its perfectly normal male PMS. Bad mood started yesterday afternoon when I noticed the below advert in the newspaper.

Autism Solution (WTF)

Autism Solution (WTF)

There’s a few obvious things wrong with this advert which to be frank I don’t feel like getting into else this will turn into a pointless rant about how you Continue reading