Tag Archives: direction

Hide behind the smile

13 Mar

Sometimes in this job you have to wrap it all up and hide the emotions behind the smile. Some break….

I don’t even know if/when im coming home. How do I know im ready – I’m pretty certain I know whats waiting for me back in the UK and if I left once then whats to stop me, lets face it – if it wasnt enough before then it definitely won’t be enough if I go back after experiencing a different life.

So the road is long and winding, and that’s life. The direction you take is yours to make. When the path ends, well that’s yours aswell. Once you leave the road life’s a cul-de-sac, a roundabout. It doesn’t change.

What to do, what to do.


Creating a dream

18 Dec

I used to dream of being an author. But it was more a creation of a goal than a dream. It almost feels like I was writing or trying to write for others. To proof some point that is long forgotten because I know by fact I don’t have the temperament or determination to write anything of significance. I tried, many times, to start something. My most successful piece being an exploration of growing up with Autism, I had structure and direction but I sense it was lost halfway through so I’ve decided to dump it here in this post and forget about it for a few years. Who knows it might help someone, somewhere, with something.

The First Chapter

I suppose that the first chapter should start at the beginning but I also suppose that you never know where to begin when you’re me. I decided to write a little about myself to give an understanding to those that know nothing or very little about Autism and Asperger syndrome.
Well I guess that’s a good starting point, so what is Asperger’ and Autism.

I was told that the first revision of this was to hard to read as I keep jumping, and things. So I scrapped saying what pro’s say and concentrate on how I feel about things.

What I have always known it as is something that affects me to make my mind and how I see everything around me.
With Autism and Asperger syndrome there are many different aspects and traits in a wide and confusing arc of severities. This makes it very difficult to understand and help a child with Asperger Syndrome it just takes honesty and time, after time I have learnt to deal with things but I will always encounter new situations and not understand certain things. It’s life and I’m constantly learning.

The Second Chapter

I hope to talk about the different traits often present with AS, and the way in which I have learnt to deal with my traits. Hopefully you will gather something useful from reading this.

As a child at primary school I found it very hard to socialise with people, I could never understand why I wasn’t liked and I would never know how to behave with people, it’s very difficult growing up not realising that it may be you that is the problem. Now many years later talking with friends I have realised how I behaved and the differences to how I thought I was being. I was always considered scary and weird, and I always believed people were just picking on me, and so I lashed out angrily at everybody.

I could never understand how or what I was doing wrong.

Instead of learning how to make friends I retreated into myself, locked myself in my books and slowly crept into my own head

It’s not all bad, I love reading and am always happy to be by myself and often prefer this, I think very logically and like to work with computers in which I have a natural grasp. Autistic people are said to have a very logical brain pattern and are more often physical learners, they like to be doing and working with there hands. Like with all people I have a special subject, something I can always relate to and consistently work at and use. I can often be heard to go on and on about computers and will always love to be sat with a computer and a screw driver. My mind cannot keep track of one thing unless it is to do with computers; I often tend to go off on a tangent and then end up in a round-about way talking about computers and electronics. It is often very off putting to people, and many autistic people will find it very difficult to make friends or to hold a conversation about something other then their special subject. This coupled with other common traits of Autism can make it very hard on those that live with an autistic person, but do not despair. With time traits will become less obvious, and an autistic person is just as able as any other to learn more about themselves and find ways of coping and dealing with their problems. Once I found a good group of friends who were honest with me and would tell me what I was dong wrong, but accept me for me and help life became a lot easier and with time I began to develop my own techniques for coping.

My love for reading fantasy and science fiction books, such as Sabriel, or Discworld novels started when I was in primary school. Whilst others were out in the playground and having fun I would retreat to the library and read, it was an escape for me. It was exhilarating and I could be in another world, anything could happen and I could let my imagination run wild. I was probably seen outside of school and other places waving my hands around in an odd fashion, but to me my hand was a space ship, or a rocket flying through the air. Blasting away at things. My day dreams about flying being my only concern and often crossing the road without a second look.

I used to love the sensation of floating or being free and would spend hours at a time in the bath with my head under water just floating there and dreaming about life.

My childhood was happy, if I had no friends it did not matter, I was content in being in my own world and ruling the universe with a hand.

Another Chapter

When I moved on to secondary school I found that I had an above average understanding and ability in maths and English, I loved reading and writing, and was always able to pick up even some of the more difficult ideas in maths and algebra. But I still didn’t have any friends and I still could not handle the change of having a supply teacher instead of my regular teacher. This would upset and distress me, I would get annoyed at the teacher and start to misbehave or throw tantrums. It is easier now but even if things aren’t working to a set schedule I still can get upset or frustrated.

Chapter Something or Other

Well that was a short chapter. Ok so where was I, secondary school. Wait I have just remembered something. I love doing puzzles, when I was in nursery I would do puzzles instead of taking naps and was always able to do them very quickly and without any trouble even the more advanced one’s. I am not sure what this says about me but you may understand it. Sorry I had to say that or I would forget

Far too tired

14 Oct

I am far to tired to think recently, the fear of being 20 is still settling in, there’s this huge feeling about finally being out of my teens. The years have gone by and here I am, there’s a questioning now of where did I come from and where do I go. I guess now I’m not a teenager my life will take on more direction? maybe my focus on life will be sharpened and as I have seen, carry on teaching me what is important. Letting me ignore the incessant ramblings and just enjoy life with my priorities correct. I don’t know, apparently being older doesn’t grant you that much wisdom. Maybe I’ll ask for some at christmas.

Travel Plans

3 Oct

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but it came up in conversation again recently and I was thinking about it a fair bit today and yesterday. I haven’t written in a couple of days and it feels really weird, like there’s something missing and I’ve lost an anchor in my life.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve moved out of my parents home. Put a deposit on a flat I’m renting, furnished and decorated the whole flat. I’ve got myself a good job that I enjoy and I’m happy with life. I have somewhere that is truly mine and I can call home. I have anchor’s, I have somewhere to come back to.

My birthday is coming up next Saturday and I plan to have all my friends around me. It’s another anchor in my life. Friends and Family. Familiarity. It’s one thing I strive for in my life. I live on patterns, procedures, numbers….anything really that can be logically broken into smaller chunks and made easier to digest, I’m told this is one of the traits of my Asperger/Autism.

Another trait that I am told I have is that I find change difficult. That’s a fair assessment but as an individual I do things that scare me and challenge me as much as I can.

I have been planning for the last few months to do a bit more travelling. Last year I travelled round some of the capital’s of European cities and immensely enjoyed the experience, its addictive and it helped me learn more about myself more than anything. There really is nothing that can describe the feeling, the exhilaration of just doing it. I know I planned much of it ahead of time and it restricted me in many ways. I decided to do things differently next time….so here I am, 6 months down the line – with no real plan I’m flapping in the wind like a loose flag. No anchor, no direction, just floating around in the ether with a general idea of what I want. I have decided that once the lease comes back up for renewal on my flat – I’m not going to take it, instead I am going to get the deposit back and leave – I’m going to Australia. That’s it, the whole plan. Leave everything I have worked for, everything I have built up, everything I own. Take the bare minimal that will fit in a backpack and go. I have to finish the Visa process and then I’m leaving for at least a year. Maybe when I’m over their I will visit Asia and New-Zealand but that’s all in the wind.

This idea scares me to a point that it’s unbelievable, I imagine the adventure of a lifetime, yet every time I think about it I am reminded of everything I have and everything I will leave behind. All the things I have worked so hard for over the last 6 months/ Year, I will leave. I’ll have no anchors and no direction. I keep talking myself in and out of it.

I guess the main thing keeping me going is that at time’s, I have known that the only reason I have put up with some of the crap and hard times is the plan to travel, to see the world, to learn about it and myself in the process. Adventure…..

Idioms – Family, friends and can they really apply to me?

13 Sep

I was thinking about idioms whilst on the bus back home, I want to fix my bike so I can go and cycle in Greenwich park again, we used to go there with friends and spend long summer days relaxing in the sun with a good book. I have this one friend, Lauren, who’s always been an amazing mate. She is one of these people that know who, and how to make an effort with people and she seems to be everybody’s buddy.

Lauren’s off to Uni next week and I haven’t seen her in a long time, i’m afraid of losing her and it upsets me to think about it. I have a few close friends but there are many more who have drifted away over the years, I will always consider them good mates, but it’s not quite the same. There’s a distance that’s grown between us and it can’t be bridged so easily.

There’s this silly idiom that bounces along the lines of “Dates come and go, but your mates will always be there” – I wonder if this can really apply to me. Can it really apply to anyone in my age group? I don’t think so really, with such fickle bonds these things can break apart as easily as other relationships.

I’ll always miss my friends, the ones I am close to because we are like family, when there is no-one else. There are these guys, whether in the background or on the front line helping you fight personal demons. They can be depended on. I know family is important, but family is there on a blood level. Its difficult to imagine your family not being there, because they are family. It’s like an unwritten rule. But friends, well, anything could happen and then one day you wake, and their gone. Poof! puff of smoke and nothing left but memories and a half told joke that’s forgotten the next day. After years this could fade and then we only have or memories that fade in the light, faded like old photographs – only remembered when looking through albums at forced social conventions.

What direction do the young truly have, it seems obvious to me that as so many don’t, can’t or won’t believe in themselves then we are lost. Without these little pointers – idioms and believe, we have nothing to give us the clues we need to survive. The skills we need to make the right decisions, to head in the right direction.

I have fallen off the track many times but there has always been my mum behind me, believing in me so much that I could believe in myself, I learnt, through my autism and the normal teenage struggles, how to make the right decisions and how to believe in my actions. To set myself goals and ambitions to give direction and determination, knowing that there is always a point just a little ahead where I can look back and say. “This is what I have achieved”, I know my mum doesn’t read this but I want to tell her, and clearly the whole of the intranet that may fall along this blog that I love her, she, like me, has always put everyone else first. Giving up her own needs for her family and friends, I always know my mum will trust me, I know she will love me and I know that she is a shining example to look up to.
If we all had a heart and mind that was inclined to help, wherever we could then surely we could help ourselves and each other to live life well.
I don’t know about idioms, I don’t think they can give more direction then I can find in myself, but those crazy Chinese seem to be doing OK….

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