Tag Archives: friends

Cometh the time of the Teabag

26 Jan

Cometh the time of the teabag.

I think we all go through certain stage’s in live. These are not nescessarilly age related or relevant but happen when our heart’s and mind’s reach an impasse. Be it with the world or against’s ones own body.

I hope I have passed through one. Stronger and more focused. Understanding better.

This blog started as a point of exploration – A chance to expel the arrogant side of myself, what better way to talk about yourself? I have spoken about believes, idea’s and thoughts of every kind.  Ranging from events that have haunted me for many years, following to talks around politics, religious ideas or just traveling . I have realised something important though. This journey has been one that I have shared with my reader’s – opening my heart out to the world in the hopes of finding myself. I think I have found more than that. I have found friend’s. Those of you that follow my ramblings each have amazing talent’s, be it in writing, photography or even an unrivalled ability to be selfless. For that I thank you.

Writing in this medium has made me realise my believes about life and about people. Even if my strongest believe is a conviction that I believe truly in nothing.

Now I find myself at a point where the thoughts have settled – the dreams and nightmare’s live on inside my head but for now the most pressing matter’s seem to involve teabags and packing. Cometh the time…

I don’t know about the moving on post – I don’t think I’m the kind of person that would say goodbye – it’s been fun, see you around. I’d just fade into obscurity and slowly let month’s of work and writing dissappear into nothing. I think this post is more about recognising the change’s that have come over me. I have had it commented on without prompting by other’s so I know it’s noticeable. I feel like im opening another door in my life and sad as it is I can feel the past closing behind me. Friend’s and memory drifting to just that. A memory…


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I condemn smokers

10 Dec

Oh the irony life teaches! Damn you!  I’ve always been a bit of an upper-class self indulged twonk with perpetuating believes and opposition to smokers.

I can’t stand the smell of cigarettes and I hate to see friends smoking because I know how much it is probably ruining their life’s. I have, like many tried cigarettes, joints and cigars. I was recently in a phase where after a bottle of wine I would consume a packet of cigars. The mellow smell and taste ad hear to me. Even the very idea of a cigar seems sophisticated and appealing.

So how can I be so judgemental to those who smoke cigarettes. When knowing if England was anything like the middle east with its Shisha Cafes it’s where I would be found most of the time. Mellow and slightly intoxicated with tobacco and fruit syrups. Mountain Dew being a preference and happily discussing life, politics and stupidity with any number of people. My English Witt and sarcasm forgotten.
The reason for this post is simple. I recently met a smoker who only smokes roll-ups. Walking to work this morning I really wanted a roll-up. There was no call for it, I admit – I had just walked past some smokers in disgust smelling the air and my clothes. My mind turned to a nice relaxing drag of a roll-up to swill in my mouth and like I smoke cigars – expel through my nose.

I was intoxicated and infatuated by the smell, both that lingering on breath and after each pull floating in the air.

Life is cruel to taunt me so, to show the stupidity of my inconsistencies and the conflicting thoughts and believes I express.

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Eat your own words

27 Oct

How difficult is it, in times of need. To follow your own advice? – I like to think I lend a good ear and provide sound, logical, reasonable advice. But how then after giving so much I haven’t learnt enough to listen to myself. To take my own advice and to heed my most basic instincts. Instead choosing a reckless path that often can only lead to akward and stressful situations. Maybe it’s high time I started eating my own words….

Forbidden Love and Lust

22 Oct

Love is not the greatest emotion ever. With it’s trixy ways and incredible likeness – Lust has moved to the fore. We now have to contend not only with Lady luck but the formidable temptress of Forbidden Lust.

Talking from experience, I hear “No” and take it as an invite, a challenge, a goal. The power of denial takes hold to such a degree that the confusions between Love and Lust become so entangled that they are undistinguish-able.

I’m certain that we all want what we can’t, shouldn’t have. But I think I have it slightly worse. It’s in my nature particularly strongly to want to be with someone else. To share happiness, joy, and kisses in the dark. Holding hands could lead to a walk down a dangerous path. For the wrenching emptiness is crying out to be filled. This forced separation that I have put on myself, this wall, where I block all my natural instincts in favour of healing a heart, too many times broken.

This stupidity of keeping a distance from anyone I might get close to is seriously battling against my self constraint and logic. Those emotions and thoughts that all tell me its wrong. In words – My Head is once more doing battle with My Heart. And losing, all I really want is that connection, maybe even the certain tingling and warmth that can only be felt from a lovers embrace.

Happy birthday

11 Oct

Yay I got sent loads of messages at like midnight today saying happy birthday.aren’t people nice. 🙂

Travel Plans

3 Oct

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but it came up in conversation again recently and I was thinking about it a fair bit today and yesterday. I haven’t written in a couple of days and it feels really weird, like there’s something missing and I’ve lost an anchor in my life.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve moved out of my parents home. Put a deposit on a flat I’m renting, furnished and decorated the whole flat. I’ve got myself a good job that I enjoy and I’m happy with life. I have somewhere that is truly mine and I can call home. I have anchor’s, I have somewhere to come back to.

My birthday is coming up next Saturday and I plan to have all my friends around me. It’s another anchor in my life. Friends and Family. Familiarity. It’s one thing I strive for in my life. I live on patterns, procedures, numbers….anything really that can be logically broken into smaller chunks and made easier to digest, I’m told this is one of the traits of my Asperger/Autism.

Another trait that I am told I have is that I find change difficult. That’s a fair assessment but as an individual I do things that scare me and challenge me as much as I can.

I have been planning for the last few months to do a bit more travelling. Last year I travelled round some of the capital’s of European cities and immensely enjoyed the experience, its addictive and it helped me learn more about myself more than anything. There really is nothing that can describe the feeling, the exhilaration of just doing it. I know I planned much of it ahead of time and it restricted me in many ways. I decided to do things differently next time….so here I am, 6 months down the line – with no real plan I’m flapping in the wind like a loose flag. No anchor, no direction, just floating around in the ether with a general idea of what I want. I have decided that once the lease comes back up for renewal on my flat – I’m not going to take it, instead I am going to get the deposit back and leave – I’m going to Australia. That’s it, the whole plan. Leave everything I have worked for, everything I have built up, everything I own. Take the bare minimal that will fit in a backpack and go. I have to finish the Visa process and then I’m leaving for at least a year. Maybe when I’m over their I will visit Asia and New-Zealand but that’s all in the wind.

This idea scares me to a point that it’s unbelievable, I imagine the adventure of a lifetime, yet every time I think about it I am reminded of everything I have and everything I will leave behind. All the things I have worked so hard for over the last 6 months/ Year, I will leave. I’ll have no anchors and no direction. I keep talking myself in and out of it.

I guess the main thing keeping me going is that at time’s, I have known that the only reason I have put up with some of the crap and hard times is the plan to travel, to see the world, to learn about it and myself in the process. Adventure…..

Hospital and Friendship

20 Sep

My friend got taken into hospital last night, emergency due to a suspected appendicitis. I was very tired and drunk, I was asleep in fact when my flat mate told me. (He’s dating her) so I ended up falling back to sleep and not even remembering in the morning, turns out he had been up all night fretting, as soon as I even stirred just to feed my fish and slump back into bed he was knocking on my door.

So I’m in the kitchen sorting out some bit’s, apparently my friends mum is coming to pick us up in a short while so we can go see her. My flat mate is up in his room on the phone to his manager explaining the situation. Continue reading