Tag Archives: love

Melbourne

2 Jul

This is my first post in a while so I guess an update is needed.

I finished at work on the 19th of June 2009, my last day there in my current job. The weekend was spent with my girlfriend, Flo. I love her so much right now. My landlord came to do an inspection on my Flat 22nd June, told me my rent hadn’t been paid in 2 months and wanted a cheque from me before she left. I argued that if this was the case I should have been told long beforehand surely? Apparently her accountant had not realised. Well, I don’t have a cheque book, I don’t appreciate you asking me to then draw out cash and finally to borrow from a friend. No this will never happen. Especially considering that you have failed to have my gas safety checked in months. Don’t try to bullshit and harrangue me with the fact that the flat belongs to a charity. You WORK for the charity, you get paid wages, so do your bosses, your cleaners, your new offices. Everything. I understand how charities work and how big the operations really are, how much of the money raised by those gullible enough to give really goes to those it is designed to help. Don’t come preaching in my home!!!

Long story short, she’s kept my deposit and expects me to pay the balance at the end of this month. Last call, I asked her to confirm this to me in writing and have yet to recieve any response.

I left my Flat on the day of my flight, the place was finally empty, I’d sold my last fridge via Gumtree, at the same cost that I had brought it for and I guess it was time to start another adventure and to see a little of the world once more. To challenge myself and to grow.

It’s a little upsetting, giving something up that you have worked so hard for, packing a few bags and leaving the rest behind. Realising that finally, you have nothing left. Only the bags on your back and the memories in your heart. I shut the door, gave the keys to the shop below, walked away. I didnt look back, I got myself a coffee and a sandwhich in my favourite cafe. Saying a silent goodbye and hoping to once more be in a position to live in a place I am happy and love. I cried silent tears as I waited for the bus and sat bleary eyed as I travelled a short distance to say farwell to a good friend and then walked further to my parents house where I sat out the rest of the day and then onto the airport. Bags checked in, security – Finally – passed. Then the waiting game. Facebook, a real book, a sandwhich and the plane was ready to board.

I don’t know if I realised the significance of those actions until a while after I was on the plane. My stomach dropped as we lifted of, inside I think its true to say I was terrified of this step. I don’t think it was just the affect of the take off that had hit my stomach so strongly, it was the compilation of everything and the nagging doubt that still haunts me today. I’ve pulled apart my supports and let the world I had so carefully contructed to block all of my dangers and worries, to settle cossily inside my private domain. To come crashing down around my ears. Everything was over and I had taken those fateful steps that have so far led me down an unknown and largely, unappreciated path.

The flight was relatively short and before I knew it I was being awoken by a blinking seatbelt light. “Please fasten your seatbelt, we are about to begin our decent into Dubai airport”. The message was being announced by our pilot and again my stomach seems to of descended a lot quicker than that of our plane.

I spent the next week in Fujairah with a good friend of mine. Melting from the sweat and generally being oblivious to my surroundings. Soaking up the atmosphere and having a nice time. Enjoying the friendship of thsoe I had met before and those who were new. Being instantly accepted into a community I was not readily off, it was fun, it was nice and it felt happy.

Goodbyes are never a nice thing, again this one was more so unpleasant for without the support of my friends I would of been broken from unspeakable sadness, regret and the fear of loss. I was, and still am. In denial of the steps I have taken. The path I am walking down doesn’t have any signposts and there’s definitely no light at the end of the tunnel. Only my determination to be better, stronger and more secure is keeping me going, for my feet will surely stumble on this dark and uneven path. I am not led by god or believe as many would be, instead this comes from inside to prove to myself that I am me. Maybe also to reflect the slight arrogance thats clearly part of my being, slightly better. Just to rise above the lip of the wave and to have the strength and determination to ride the ripcurl to a different land, a different destiny, a new beach and finally. Warmer climates. Obviously a metaphor in Australian winter.

I understand a little better now how those who come to London, many my friends, struggle through a foreign and often harsh, lonely winter to come out on the other side. I think I can connect a little better with them on terms of empathy to what they must have, and still do experience. For those of you who know me and know what I am talking about. I respect and love you all more now than I have ever done before. With you in my mind I will fight this winter and explore this land. Onwards and Upwards.

My first day in Melbourne is going to be spent getting my feet and my bank account sorted out. For the love of God I hope sincerely this does not become a lifestyle. I will hopefully avoid the necessities that are inherent in this by not taking on those little reflections of a true citizen, you understand. Local sim cards, bank accounts, jobs and friends with the local school headmaster.

Today is a new day, it is early and there is much to do. Today is the beginning, today…

I never

5 Jun

I never write about the ones I love or the happiness in my heart. If you read my posts you would think that I have nothing much in my life except blind ambition to an unforeseen goal. A direction and dogged determined attitude towards something completely obscure to all who know me.

This morning has been oddly upsetting. There is someone I love, I think so, very much, but who am I too know if what I think I feel is real. I’ll miss her so much and the fear of loosing what I have stumbled into, almost blindly makes me turn my back, almost on a goal I have aimed for over the past year or more. I have this desire and this need to push for these goals regardless of the pain it causes because I know its something I need to do before I regret my whole life knowing I could be a better person.

I’ve been waiting to hear these words for a while that maybe for me it is a solitary journey.

I’m scared of this trip, even more so now. But part of me considers it may be better, to be honest with myself, my mind has tossed and turned backwards and forwards constantly for the past month or more. To be or not to be, to go or not to go, to do or not to do. Whatever the answers, logic persuades me finally to accept, once more. To accept that I may lose, through fault of my own, something very special and unique to me…

You know how some songs remind you of the thoughless instictive care and love of those around you, those people that love you even if you are a smelly git…

An unpublished

24 Feb

So this post was written several days ago on my Iphone but it doesn’t seem to have published. I wanted to send out this spliced up message a combination of my own words and Eminems but it’s not really out their for everyone. Just a few, if it’s you I hope you read it.

So this is my goodbye I’m sending – I hope you hear it.
I can’t really say goodbye, so long. So instead self sabotage with hate and anger to mask the fear. It’s been a long time but these last few months it’s all piled up and I can’t deal with it anymore – it might only be a small thing but I don’t think we can be friends anymore – I’m leaving soon and don’t want to say goodbye because I love you and care for you – you were the best friend and will always be remembered as such. But I think your priorities and goals, direction and self have changed to much, so much so.  You don’t support me anymore – I don’t think you ever take my side – do you want me to be happy or is there some other agenda? I don’t know anymore but it’s too hard to figure out the uncertainty, the intrigue and the bloody politics of everything. It all feels so underhand and designed for your own purposes – these words really I don’t understand. Anyway, enough. Goodbye, sorry and good luck. With love x

Let there be love Part 1

12 Feb

This is a posting from the Towler.Tk archives. A silly fun set of stories that managed at some point to lose most direction and humour. Still, you live and learn. They still make me laugh – especially the irrelevance of the title. Enjoy – Spelling,Grammar mistakes and all 😀

*Please note this file contains only fictional events and characters. Any relevance to a living/or dead person and any situation they may have/or will be involved in is purely coincidental*

This is what day dreaming does to you……

The assembly hall was packed, crammed full with 2,000 pupils and not an inch between them.
“Mrs Bonar will take the assembly today, please stand quietly” Miss Gordon stepped away from the podium to the sound of scraping chairs.
The woman strolled into the hall; she looked like a judge with red instead of black and her tailcoat streaming out behind her.
“Please sit” Chairs scraping.
“As I strutted around school yesterday I was disgusted by what I saw.” a metal glint could be seen rising from the podium. She banged the podium with the flat of her hands, Bang, Bang….. The metal object rose higher and a clap could be heard in the distance.
Smoke began to stream in around her feet and she banged again.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
The lights in the hall dimmed.
The object rose into her hand.
And then it all happened.
Simultaneously multi-coloured lights began to swivel around the hall and a spot light spun round to focus on Mrs Bonar.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Bending low she grabbed the hems of her robe and pulled.
Velcro straps could be heard ripping open.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
As the cloak ripped open, red, gold and pink could be seen, then the cloak was gone revealing a Lycra cat suit. It looked like something out of an 80’s rock video all covered in glitter and sequins.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
“Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise, playin’ in the street gonna be a big man some day” She burst into song.
“You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place” Pupils rose throughout the hall and took up the beat.
“Singin'”
Everyone was standing now and the hall echoed with….
“WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU”

Microphone in hand she launched into the second verse and threw herself onto the stage.
That was it Mr Shipley had, had enough. He hitched up his trouser, pulled his white socks way over his ankles and broke into a run. Grabbing the guitar that was conveniently in his path, jumped high into the air and launched into a face melting solo, Strumming along besides Mrs Bonar.
“This is what I was born for” He thought “No more teaching for me.”

As the curtain rose Mr Lloyd could be seen descending from the gangplanks. Smile on his face and drumsticks in his hand he started to drum, his hair billowing out behind him.
Bang, Bang, Clap.

The pupils were entranced, nothing like this had ever happened before.
Bang, Bang, Clap.
Shirts were being ripped off and slogans such as “Rock-on” and “e=mc2” could be seen printed across t-shirts throughout the hall.
The music died away and as “The Teachers” left the stage a strange sound could be heard……drifting deep down the corridors and through the French block. Burying deep into the walls and hitchin’ a ride into the history books.

“Encore, Encore”

Alex Towler

http://www.towler.tk

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Forbidden Love and Lust

22 Oct

Love is not the greatest emotion ever. With it’s trixy ways and incredible likeness – Lust has moved to the fore. We now have to contend not only with Lady luck but the formidable temptress of Forbidden Lust.

Talking from experience, I hear “No” and take it as an invite, a challenge, a goal. The power of denial takes hold to such a degree that the confusions between Love and Lust become so entangled that they are undistinguish-able.

I’m certain that we all want what we can’t, shouldn’t have. But I think I have it slightly worse. It’s in my nature particularly strongly to want to be with someone else. To share happiness, joy, and kisses in the dark. Holding hands could lead to a walk down a dangerous path. For the wrenching emptiness is crying out to be filled. This forced separation that I have put on myself, this wall, where I block all my natural instincts in favour of healing a heart, too many times broken.

This stupidity of keeping a distance from anyone I might get close to is seriously battling against my self constraint and logic. Those emotions and thoughts that all tell me its wrong. In words – My Head is once more doing battle with My Heart. And losing, all I really want is that connection, maybe even the certain tingling and warmth that can only be felt from a lovers embrace.

Loving girls is too hard, screw constant rebounds

28 Sep

I was too young and immature, never ready for the commitment, never the mental capacity to deal with even the idea of what I had.

Your all constant rebounds, I hate to say it, hate to admit it. Ever since I lost the one girl I truly loved everyone else has been a part-time distraction, a rebound and moving on to the next. Reaching and screaming out for what I won’t ever have again.

Constantly moving forwards, I need to break this vicious circle. I know that I’m jumping between you all because really I’ve never gotten over this girl. Never wanted too. I jump back into another relationship as quick as possible because I never know when I’m ready. I never know whens the right time. Never given myself time to be me, to be on my own and love myself, let my heart heal and let my head find the right track.

I’m not ready for this, I never gave up, I promised I would never stop loving her, and I haven’t I haven’t ever accepted that it was time, there is no chance to make a gesture, no chance to do and know. To feel the warmth of your heart and smile. To hold you in my arms.

I feel sad because I miss what I’ve lost and I’m scared because I don’t know if ill ever have it….I miss you, and I love you. Even if you don’t know it.

Young Love

21 Sep

Isn’t young love great..?

Er, no, not really.  Maybe I’m just an old cynic. Ok a 19 Yr old cynic. But I don’t believe in young love, I don’t think it can exhist, true love takes so much more. More determination and determination. Young people don’t have that.

I saw two kids on the train today, must of been about 16/17 – both of them were looking deeply into each others eyes. Unfortunately you could practically smell the hormones coming off of them. You could tell that all they wanted was Continue reading