It was a night just like tonight. Almost two years ago I was sat in a hostel in Rome, just north of Vatican City. I remember feeling a certain apprehension but couldn’t place the reason. That evening the people I had been spending evenings with has all agreed we would have a small leaving party. So wandering out into the darkening night we roved around looking for some cheap alcohol.
I’m not sure why my mind is stuck here in the echoing corridors but it is so there you have it. In reality I’m on a train listening to RHCP and reading the fifth Hitchikers book. Just hoping to get home soon to while away another evening.
I know that I shouldn’t be like this really, my brother is staying with me for a while, I just want to be on my own to wallow in self pity. I never really cry but my thoughts are driving me insane. I’m almost at the point of breaking down right here in my seat.
I guess it’s now that I truly realise that I do need to get out of here, I need this escape and freedom, if I’m stuck in this country much longer I don’t know what I might do. I’m scared knowing this feeling is here just waiting to bubble to the surface when I least expect it, like now.
It’s not knowing how to deal with it which is the worst thing. I have no name for it and I’m stuck, trapped. I sometimes think my determination and focus to travel is the only thing keeping me going. What happens when that becomes not an option. What happens when I have to work, how do I deal with my goals of wanting a family, to be able to provide and bring my kids up well.
How can I ever manage to get outside of my own head, where’s my emergency exit I can’t help myself I just need to put away the memories, the gears and feelings.
Oh hod even thinking about these things is making my stomach twist. I remember these feelings being strongest when I was living alone, a faux depression that only I could see or recognise…
There’s nothing I can do or say to myself that makes me feel better. Nowhere to go. I just want to sleep and wish away another day, one less fay till I can break away and find a wide emptiness, somewhere to let my mind stretch forth. I need the fear and the excitement, the change to let my brain run wild unshackled and free….