Tag Archives: mind

What women want?

5 Jan

I’m currently watching “What women want” on BBC Iplayer and it’s reminded me off a few times in the past and makes me think about the future and other general random non-events.

Have you ever had a moment when you just knew what was going through someones head? Knew what they were thinking whether by intuition or a misglanced look at a text message or email?

I think we have all been there, what do you do? if it’s bad do you keep it to yourself and hope they change their mind? Do you try and change their mind in some way….or are you like me, would you torture yourself that you weren’t perfect – would you want to make up for something or bring up a situation. The real question here though, the real point is that by knowing what someone else thinks – and by knowing I mean 100% – certain knowledge. Do you change yourself? does it make you act and think differently knowing how you are being judged or what someones thinking about you. Surely it’s better to be yourself – not knowing but playing the infinite game of guessing, intuition and experience, juggling your qualities until after pain, happiness, excitement and fear you find a balance. True to yourself.

I don’t think women really know what they want anyway…

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Travel Plans

3 Oct

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but it came up in conversation again recently and I was thinking about it a fair bit today and yesterday. I haven’t written in a couple of days and it feels really weird, like there’s something missing and I’ve lost an anchor in my life.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve moved out of my parents home. Put a deposit on a flat I’m renting, furnished and decorated the whole flat. I’ve got myself a good job that I enjoy and I’m happy with life. I have somewhere that is truly mine and I can call home. I have anchor’s, I have somewhere to come back to.

My birthday is coming up next Saturday and I plan to have all my friends around me. It’s another anchor in my life. Friends and Family. Familiarity. It’s one thing I strive for in my life. I live on patterns, procedures, numbers….anything really that can be logically broken into smaller chunks and made easier to digest, I’m told this is one of the traits of my Asperger/Autism.

Another trait that I am told I have is that I find change difficult. That’s a fair assessment but as an individual I do things that scare me and challenge me as much as I can.

I have been planning for the last few months to do a bit more travelling. Last year I travelled round some of the capital’s of European cities and immensely enjoyed the experience, its addictive and it helped me learn more about myself more than anything. There really is nothing that can describe the feeling, the exhilaration of just doing it. I know I planned much of it ahead of time and it restricted me in many ways. I decided to do things differently next time….so here I am, 6 months down the line – with no real plan I’m flapping in the wind like a loose flag. No anchor, no direction, just floating around in the ether with a general idea of what I want. I have decided that once the lease comes back up for renewal on my flat – I’m not going to take it, instead I am going to get the deposit back and leave – I’m going to Australia. That’s it, the whole plan. Leave everything I have worked for, everything I have built up, everything I own. Take the bare minimal that will fit in a backpack and go. I have to finish the Visa process and then I’m leaving for at least a year. Maybe when I’m over their I will visit Asia and New-Zealand but that’s all in the wind.

This idea scares me to a point that it’s unbelievable, I imagine the adventure of a lifetime, yet every time I think about it I am reminded of everything I have and everything I will leave behind. All the things I have worked so hard for over the last 6 months/ Year, I will leave. I’ll have no anchors and no direction. I keep talking myself in and out of it.

I guess the main thing keeping me going is that at time’s, I have known that the only reason I have put up with some of the crap and hard times is the plan to travel, to see the world, to learn about it and myself in the process. Adventure…..

Night Train

24 Sep

It was a night just like tonight. Almost two years ago I was sat in a hostel in Rome, just north of Vatican City. I remember feeling a certain apprehension but couldn’t place the reason. That evening the people I had been spending evenings with has all agreed we would have a small leaving party. So wandering out into the darkening night we roved around looking for some cheap alcohol.

I’m not sure why my mind is stuck here in the echoing corridors but it is so there you have it. In reality I’m on a train listening to RHCP and reading the fifth Hitchikers book. Just hoping to get home soon to while away another evening.

I know that I shouldn’t be like this really, my brother is staying with me for a while, I just want to be on my own to wallow in self pity. I never really cry but my thoughts are driving me insane. I’m almost at the point of breaking down right here in my seat.

I guess it’s now that I truly realise that I do need to get out of here, I need this escape and freedom, if I’m stuck in this country much longer I don’t know what I might do. I’m scared knowing this feeling is here just waiting to bubble to the surface when I least expect it, like now.

It’s not knowing how to deal with it which is the worst thing. I have no name for it and I’m stuck, trapped. I sometimes think my determination and focus to travel is the only thing keeping me going. What happens when that becomes not an option. What happens when I have to work, how do I deal with my goals of wanting a family, to be able to provide and bring my kids up well.

How can I ever manage to get outside of my own head, where’s my emergency exit I can’t help myself I just need to put away the memories, the gears and feelings.

Oh hod even thinking about these things is making my stomach twist. I remember these feelings being strongest when I was living alone, a faux depression that only I could see or recognise…

There’s nothing I can do or say to myself that makes me feel better. Nowhere to go. I just want to sleep and wish away another day, one less fay till I can break away and find a wide emptiness, somewhere to let my mind stretch forth. I need the fear and the excitement, the change to let my brain run wild unshackled and free….