Tag Archives: personal

I’ll keep blogging

6 Mar

Funny how that never works. I always thought I would have time to keep blogging. Thoughts to express.

I recently left Christchurch. My travels these past few years have led me back and forth between Australia and New Zealand, once again here I am sitting in the Blue Mountains with more questions than answers.

As I’m sure you are all aware there was recently a big earthquake in Christchurch, NZ. The quake caused damage and destruction to people, property and the lifes of everyone in a country – hardly noticed by the rest of the world.

After the ground started shaking I remember jumping to my feet and running as fast as possible from the building, where I come from no-one tells us to hide under tables or in door frames. I wasn’t about to sit in the attic and wait for it to collapse on me.

Fighting against the movements of the building,avoiding falling objects – TV’s, books and paraphenalia I somehow managed to reach the fire door – only to find it locked. I grabbed a fallen french man and leapt across the room and out the door.

The carpark was full of people, dust choked the air and I stumbled over to a recognisable face. “What the Fuck!?”

Looking out across the street at a collapsed building was my first indication that things were more serious than I first believed. The cars around me we all at funny angles, everyone was babbling about how everything had moved and floods of people were suddenly everywhere. Moving through the streets. Alarms and sirens were to be heard everywhere and slowly I walked against the flow. Half in shock half in awe. My mind trying to take in everything at once. Neighbours soon had the radio on and I blindly walked through the city.

Men were cycling past me with huge cuts to their forehead, buisness suits of all shapes and sizes seemed to be all that was holding some people together, on the edge of desperation I could see tears and desperate phone calls everywhere I went. Everywhere I looked there was destruction, I walked past Stonehurst backpackersjust as someone ran past, what looked like authority. Into a completely collapsed and destroyed backpackers. I wondered to myself what I would do if my home had just collapsed with everything I knew inside. I own very little and my sense of property is warped, yet I see why someone would make such a desperate move.

Water was seeping up through cracks in the ground and as I round a new corner I see the side of a building has come down and someone is trying to resucitate a lady lying on the ground in the rubble.

100’s of people had gathered around the cathedral in the central square and seemed to be milling around. I think some unsure of what to do, other, like me in morbid fascination mixed with what emotions were holding together a shocked and scared mind. I know how it took 2 days for the shock to set in and thats when I cried. Right now a lady was being helped out of the cathedral by what I assume was rescue workers. Calling for a bottle of water the crowd offered what it could. There we were dispersed and told to leave the city if we could. Emergency aid was waiting in parks around the city and if all else. Stay, listen to the radio and await further information.

We turned and left walking past broken buildings and support polls that had come down and literally flattened several small cars.

Aftershocks persisted through the night and with a dry throat I lay half asleep listening to the boom of the earth and feverishly praying that nothing else would collapse.

This is not the end of the story, but for the time. Now only weeks later have I escaped the news coverage, the people, the affects and am able to wind my mind back in and calm down in serenity

Just one Secret

16 Feb

It feels like it’s been a long while since this blog has contained anything personal. It’s all me, I agree to that point completely but this Blog is my sanctuary. I have opened it up to you all, mainly as an experiment, maybe a question. But it is still my sanctuary and I don’t like this fear that I’ll end up posting and writing for other people. If you read my posts thank you, if you comment I appreciate that and always try to respond but in my heart and mind this is still my escape. I know now that my family read this blog. At first I was surprised, confused and a bit wary about this but then I realised it was unimportant. Maybe it could be a good thing. Maybe that part of me that is reaching out in all directions is being heard. I wonder if when you read this you stop. You think to yourself that maybe we have more in common then I thought. Maybe you realise that your not alone and life could be worse. I think this almost every day to be honest. It’s like a stuck record sometimes – I will get down and sad – like everyone. But my way of dealing with it is, I can’t be sure but it feels different. I’ll let it get to me, because I can’t stop it. I’ll get angry, I’ll get upset, I’ll get embarrassed but by the next morning, or sometimes within hours I have forgotten the emotions that seemed so relevant and have found a new distraction. By letting these situations get to me I feel I encourage their natural progression – “if you can’t beat em join em”

If I’m feeling sad or lonely at night I get really bad insomnia, I can’t sleep and I find it difficult to switch off, much like now. So I read, I write and I watch mindless programs until I fall asleep. Being able to escape to another world and forget your troubles, forget the echoes of empty halls and hear only the voices inside your head. Those voices that are part of who you are, a conscience giving you hope and direction. Maybe a sense of belonging or direction. To judge and be judged and to make the choices that seem so difficult. I can’t sleep right now. My walls are bare, I have packed almost everything of importance and the time is coming. I can feel it.

I am scared of the changes I perceive and know are happening around me. Yet instead of hiding in a shell I reach out to the fear and accept it. Welcome the worry with open arms and call it adventure, call it a friend and an enemy, challenge it to beat me. I will never give in, I wish everyone had the same energy. Like a spinning top, round and round, constantly moving. The energy to say “Fck It” and to follow their dreams.

I know a lot of people worry about me when they read what I write – they think I am scared? alone? worried or maybe in trouble. Don’t, I am happy and I know what I want – this is what my soul looks like, twisted and confused but forever moving, my fingers typing, writing, expressing the thoughts that run through my head and change direction at the last minute. The ideas that flit into my brain for milliseconds, typed up and trapped. Pinned to the page like a butterfly. Frozen – a moment.

Words, to me. Are like pictures. They can express and convey a moment in time, a thought and an emotion – a combination that will never EVER happen again. Writing is an art – it doesn’t have to be fancy and it doesn’t have to make you smile, make you laugh or take you to another place. It just has to be.

Meaningless abuse of the power that you hold.

The impact of words is immeasurable, to some – you will smile. To others the same words make you cry, maybe just to stop and consider your own life? This is why you should never write for someone else, words are to powerful to be corrupted by greed and control, the pressure of your peers or your readers. They are a link to your soul and your being. If you let someone direct or control your soul then your life has no meaning. Your words are empty, the emotions mean nothing, just a shadow, an echo. In black on white. A shadow.

Status Updates – Key to my heart and mind

13 Dec

If anyone here that reads this is on my Facebook list. You might notice that my status is updated more than is healthy.

At times I use that little box to express some of my deepest thoughts, fears and anxieties. I want to open a debate, ask a question, get reassurance or just let someone know how I’m feeling. Every update has meaning behind it, every little push of the button sends my thoughts into the wild and I don’t think many people clearly understand the true significance of some of my posts. Let’s look at a few recent ones.

Alex Towler is concerned about the trap

Posted only just now. I’m looking at my screen and wondering why when all these unanswered questions and insecurities are flying around my head. Why do I box them in, I have something to prove – an image to project. So I trap my thoughts inside my head and try to deal with the questions I know are silly yet I feel this need for reassurance.

Alex Towler is a big gay pirate

In response to comments posted on a friends update I decided not to argue and be a big gay pirate. The comment following, I’d rather be a big gay pirate than a small straight man. Right there was the biggest fear posted and questioned in a rather small and insignificant way. Using humour to cover that a lot of my insecurities are based around my small penis. I’d rather be a BIG gay pirate. Than a SMALL straight man…

Alex Towler is watching Grand Designs

Sometimes though, my posts are self explanatory.

Alex Towler is annoyingly annoyed

Here is an interesting update. I was worrying and getting frustrated, I know that when people first meet me I can be really annoying, I try to reign it in but in essence I still constantly struggle with meeting people. I was frustrated at not being able to explain to people how difficult it is, ask if/how I annoyed them, and learn to be better….

It’s funny how a few sort words can mean so much to someone like me. But don’t read too much into it…

Alone

4 Dec

I found postsecrets.com – I found my secret

My secret

My secret

Travel Plans

3 Oct

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but it came up in conversation again recently and I was thinking about it a fair bit today and yesterday. I haven’t written in a couple of days and it feels really weird, like there’s something missing and I’ve lost an anchor in my life.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve moved out of my parents home. Put a deposit on a flat I’m renting, furnished and decorated the whole flat. I’ve got myself a good job that I enjoy and I’m happy with life. I have somewhere that is truly mine and I can call home. I have anchor’s, I have somewhere to come back to.

My birthday is coming up next Saturday and I plan to have all my friends around me. It’s another anchor in my life. Friends and Family. Familiarity. It’s one thing I strive for in my life. I live on patterns, procedures, numbers….anything really that can be logically broken into smaller chunks and made easier to digest, I’m told this is one of the traits of my Asperger/Autism.

Another trait that I am told I have is that I find change difficult. That’s a fair assessment but as an individual I do things that scare me and challenge me as much as I can.

I have been planning for the last few months to do a bit more travelling. Last year I travelled round some of the capital’s of European cities and immensely enjoyed the experience, its addictive and it helped me learn more about myself more than anything. There really is nothing that can describe the feeling, the exhilaration of just doing it. I know I planned much of it ahead of time and it restricted me in many ways. I decided to do things differently next time….so here I am, 6 months down the line – with no real plan I’m flapping in the wind like a loose flag. No anchor, no direction, just floating around in the ether with a general idea of what I want. I have decided that once the lease comes back up for renewal on my flat – I’m not going to take it, instead I am going to get the deposit back and leave – I’m going to Australia. That’s it, the whole plan. Leave everything I have worked for, everything I have built up, everything I own. Take the bare minimal that will fit in a backpack and go. I have to finish the Visa process and then I’m leaving for at least a year. Maybe when I’m over their I will visit Asia and New-Zealand but that’s all in the wind.

This idea scares me to a point that it’s unbelievable, I imagine the adventure of a lifetime, yet every time I think about it I am reminded of everything I have and everything I will leave behind. All the things I have worked so hard for over the last 6 months/ Year, I will leave. I’ll have no anchors and no direction. I keep talking myself in and out of it.

I guess the main thing keeping me going is that at time’s, I have known that the only reason I have put up with some of the crap and hard times is the plan to travel, to see the world, to learn about it and myself in the process. Adventure…..

Night Train

24 Sep

It was a night just like tonight. Almost two years ago I was sat in a hostel in Rome, just north of Vatican City. I remember feeling a certain apprehension but couldn’t place the reason. That evening the people I had been spending evenings with has all agreed we would have a small leaving party. So wandering out into the darkening night we roved around looking for some cheap alcohol.

I’m not sure why my mind is stuck here in the echoing corridors but it is so there you have it. In reality I’m on a train listening to RHCP and reading the fifth Hitchikers book. Just hoping to get home soon to while away another evening.

I know that I shouldn’t be like this really, my brother is staying with me for a while, I just want to be on my own to wallow in self pity. I never really cry but my thoughts are driving me insane. I’m almost at the point of breaking down right here in my seat.

I guess it’s now that I truly realise that I do need to get out of here, I need this escape and freedom, if I’m stuck in this country much longer I don’t know what I might do. I’m scared knowing this feeling is here just waiting to bubble to the surface when I least expect it, like now.

It’s not knowing how to deal with it which is the worst thing. I have no name for it and I’m stuck, trapped. I sometimes think my determination and focus to travel is the only thing keeping me going. What happens when that becomes not an option. What happens when I have to work, how do I deal with my goals of wanting a family, to be able to provide and bring my kids up well.

How can I ever manage to get outside of my own head, where’s my emergency exit I can’t help myself I just need to put away the memories, the gears and feelings.

Oh hod even thinking about these things is making my stomach twist. I remember these feelings being strongest when I was living alone, a faux depression that only I could see or recognise…

There’s nothing I can do or say to myself that makes me feel better. Nowhere to go. I just want to sleep and wish away another day, one less fay till I can break away and find a wide emptiness, somewhere to let my mind stretch forth. I need the fear and the excitement, the change to let my brain run wild unshackled and free….

Why I write – A Followup

17 Sep

I thought I should put this up here as a follow up to my blog post “Why I write” I received an email after posting my entry. Continue reading