I’ll keep blogging

Funny how that never works. I always thought I would have time to keep blogging. Thoughts to express.

I recently left Christchurch. My travels these past few years have led me back and forth between Australia and New Zealand, once again here I am sitting in the Blue Mountains with more questions than answers.

As I’m sure you are all aware there was recently a big earthquake in Christchurch, NZ. The quake caused damage and destruction to people, property and the lifes of everyone in a country – hardly noticed by the rest of the world.

After the ground started shaking I remember jumping to my feet and running as fast as possible from the building, where I come from no-one tells us to hide under tables or in door frames. I wasn’t about to sit in the attic and wait for it to collapse on me.

Fighting against the movements of the building,avoiding falling objects – TV’s, books and paraphenalia I somehow managed to reach the fire door – only to find it locked. I grabbed a fallen french man and leapt across the room and out the door.

The carpark was full of people, dust choked the air and I stumbled over to a recognisable face. “What the Fuck!?”

Looking out across the street at a collapsed building was my first indication that things were more serious than I first believed. The cars around me we all at funny angles, everyone was babbling about how everything had moved and floods of people were suddenly everywhere. Moving through the streets. Alarms and sirens were to be heard everywhere and slowly I walked against the flow. Half in shock half in awe. My mind trying to take in everything at once. Neighbours soon had the radio on and I blindly walked through the city.

Men were cycling past me with huge cuts to their forehead, buisness suits of all shapes and sizes seemed to be all that was holding some people together, on the edge of desperation I could see tears and desperate phone calls everywhere I went. Everywhere I looked there was destruction, I walked past Stonehurst backpackersjust as someone ran past, what looked like authority. Into a completely collapsed and destroyed backpackers. I wondered to myself what I would do if my home had just collapsed with everything I knew inside. I own very little and my sense of property is warped, yet I see why someone would make such a desperate move.

Water was seeping up through cracks in the ground and as I round a new corner I see the side of a building has come down and someone is trying to resucitate a lady lying on the ground in the rubble.

100’s of people had gathered around the cathedral in the central square and seemed to be milling around. I think some unsure of what to do, other, like me in morbid fascination mixed with what emotions were holding together a shocked and scared mind. I know how it took 2 days for the shock to set in and thats when I cried. Right now a lady was being helped out of the cathedral by what I assume was rescue workers. Calling for a bottle of water the crowd offered what it could. There we were dispersed and told to leave the city if we could. Emergency aid was waiting in parks around the city and if all else. Stay, listen to the radio and await further information.

We turned and left walking past broken buildings and support polls that had come down and literally flattened several small cars.

Aftershocks persisted through the night and with a dry throat I lay half asleep listening to the boom of the earth and feverishly praying that nothing else would collapse.

This is not the end of the story, but for the time. Now only weeks later have I escaped the news coverage, the people, the affects and am able to wind my mind back in and calm down in serenity

Hide behind the smile

Sometimes in this job you have to wrap it all up and hide the emotions behind the smile. Some break….

I don’t even know if/when im coming home. How do I know im ready – I’m pretty certain I know whats waiting for me back in the UK and if I left once then whats to stop me, lets face it – if it wasnt enough before then it definitely won’t be enough if I go back after experiencing a different life.

So the road is long and winding, and that’s life. The direction you take is yours to make. When the path ends, well that’s yours aswell. Once you leave the road life’s a cul-de-sac, a roundabout. It doesn’t change.

What to do, what to do.

Well done Sydney

I went to see the fireworks display in sydney last night

This Life…

Wild

This life appeals to me. I haven’t written because I haven’t thought.

The monotony that was everyday life is no more and instead each day a new sight, a new view, a new idea, a new person….in short. Adventure.

I have started working in a kitchen in the mountains, washing dishes and instead of this being a menial and demeaning task I instead recognise it for it’s truth. Beneath the dirt and grime of uneaten food I see that life can offer more than work. If I work hard I won’t be stuck in a career like ICT in which I was before. I was happy, no doubt there but this is a different kind of happiness and it’s nice.

On Sunday I will get a train and visit some beach towns on the east coast, Coffs Harbour, Port Mcquarie. Then to return on Friday night, work saturday and sunday. Then once more head out Monday to Friday up to Cairns where I will Skydive, Bungee Jump and white water rafting on the Tully River, of course doing as much of this as possible naked.

So, this is travelling, this is meeting new people, this is a new lifestyle. This is cycling for 6 hours out onto a small outcropping of rock where I sit with a boo, looking out over a national reserve.

Stopping is not an option right now. Right now I know I have truely begun and soon the fruits of my labour will come into fruition and the lessons and experiences will be melded together and become part of my personality, my history, myself.

This is Life, this is new, this is me, this is happiness, this is no fear. I read about Chris Mcandless and realise that he just pushed it to the next level. Breaking free of all of life’s monotony and restraints, worries and complaints. To nature and to prove he was as good as he could be. I admire this ideal.

I like these mountains where I currently reside, I like to walk for 10,20,30,60 minute. Every second a new view, a new horizon. There’s no chlostraphobia that hits me each time I walk into a city. I can see the sky, I can hear the birds.

Each morning I wake in my tent and lay for a while listening to the birds and the possums, the creatures that live nearby. I roll out, I have breakfast, say hello to my fickle friends and then of out to a new track, walking, cycling. New sights and new sounds. A calmness….

Melbourne

This is my first post in a while so I guess an update is needed.

I finished at work on the 19th of June 2009, my last day there in my current job. The weekend was spent with my girlfriend, Flo. I love her so much right now. My landlord came to do an inspection on my Flat 22nd June, told me my rent hadn’t been paid in 2 months and wanted a cheque from me before she left. I argued that if this was the case I should have been told long beforehand surely? Apparently her accountant had not realised. Well, I don’t have a cheque book, I don’t appreciate you asking me to then draw out cash and finally to borrow from a friend. No this will never happen. Especially considering that you have failed to have my gas safety checked in months. Don’t try to bullshit and harrangue me with the fact that the flat belongs to a charity. You WORK for the charity, you get paid wages, so do your bosses, your cleaners, your new offices. Everything. I understand how charities work and how big the operations really are, how much of the money raised by those gullible enough to give really goes to those it is designed to help. Don’t come preaching in my home!!!

Long story short, she’s kept my deposit and expects me to pay the balance at the end of this month. Last call, I asked her to confirm this to me in writing and have yet to recieve any response.

I left my Flat on the day of my flight, the place was finally empty, I’d sold my last fridge via Gumtree, at the same cost that I had brought it for and I guess it was time to start another adventure and to see a little of the world once more. To challenge myself and to grow.

It’s a little upsetting, giving something up that you have worked so hard for, packing a few bags and leaving the rest behind. Realising that finally, you have nothing left. Only the bags on your back and the memories in your heart. I shut the door, gave the keys to the shop below, walked away. I didnt look back, I got myself a coffee and a sandwhich in my favourite cafe. Saying a silent goodbye and hoping to once more be in a position to live in a place I am happy and love. I cried silent tears as I waited for the bus and sat bleary eyed as I travelled a short distance to say farwell to a good friend and then walked further to my parents house where I sat out the rest of the day and then onto the airport. Bags checked in, security – Finally – passed. Then the waiting game. Facebook, a real book, a sandwhich and the plane was ready to board.

I don’t know if I realised the significance of those actions until a while after I was on the plane. My stomach dropped as we lifted of, inside I think its true to say I was terrified of this step. I don’t think it was just the affect of the take off that had hit my stomach so strongly, it was the compilation of everything and the nagging doubt that still haunts me today. I’ve pulled apart my supports and let the world I had so carefully contructed to block all of my dangers and worries, to settle cossily inside my private domain. To come crashing down around my ears. Everything was over and I had taken those fateful steps that have so far led me down an unknown and largely, unappreciated path.

The flight was relatively short and before I knew it I was being awoken by a blinking seatbelt light. “Please fasten your seatbelt, we are about to begin our decent into Dubai airport”. The message was being announced by our pilot and again my stomach seems to of descended a lot quicker than that of our plane.

I spent the next week in Fujairah with a good friend of mine. Melting from the sweat and generally being oblivious to my surroundings. Soaking up the atmosphere and having a nice time. Enjoying the friendship of thsoe I had met before and those who were new. Being instantly accepted into a community I was not readily off, it was fun, it was nice and it felt happy.

Goodbyes are never a nice thing, again this one was more so unpleasant for without the support of my friends I would of been broken from unspeakable sadness, regret and the fear of loss. I was, and still am. In denial of the steps I have taken. The path I am walking down doesn’t have any signposts and there’s definitely no light at the end of the tunnel. Only my determination to be better, stronger and more secure is keeping me going, for my feet will surely stumble on this dark and uneven path. I am not led by god or believe as many would be, instead this comes from inside to prove to myself that I am me. Maybe also to reflect the slight arrogance thats clearly part of my being, slightly better. Just to rise above the lip of the wave and to have the strength and determination to ride the ripcurl to a different land, a different destiny, a new beach and finally. Warmer climates. Obviously a metaphor in Australian winter.

I understand a little better now how those who come to London, many my friends, struggle through a foreign and often harsh, lonely winter to come out on the other side. I think I can connect a little better with them on terms of empathy to what they must have, and still do experience. For those of you who know me and know what I am talking about. I respect and love you all more now than I have ever done before. With you in my mind I will fight this winter and explore this land. Onwards and Upwards.

My first day in Melbourne is going to be spent getting my feet and my bank account sorted out. For the love of God I hope sincerely this does not become a lifestyle. I will hopefully avoid the necessities that are inherent in this by not taking on those little reflections of a true citizen, you understand. Local sim cards, bank accounts, jobs and friends with the local school headmaster.

Today is a new day, it is early and there is much to do. Today is the beginning, today…